Links to my reviews of the 100 Best Musical Movies of All Time (per Rotten Tomatoes, which… y'know, is a mixed bag) are below the cut.
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71/100 Posted
+ 2 Extra Features!
Happy Independence Day! Sit back and watch The Man Who Owned Broadway hold FDR hostage for two hours while he divulges his entire life story because Mr. Roosevelt has nothing else important to focus his time on in the 1940s.
The good ‘ol US of A has a very complicated history, and continues to make baffling policy decisions (to put it lightly). There is no lack of amount of dissenting opinions or criticisms proudly proclaimed against our country, and waving an American flag is a great indicator someone may be a bigoted right-wing nut job. But back in 1942, when this film was released, we were at the height of pro-American propaganda. There was no lack of Government made pieces of media, but Hollywood chipped in with Casablanca, This is the Army, The Great Dictator, Buck Private… Shit, the fucking Looney Tunes were making fun of Hitler. We continue to make films about America’s Great War, because even though we killed over 100k Japanese civilians by bombing the shit out of them, entering the war is probably the last time anyone would admit America was “morally justified” in involving themselves in foreign conflicts.
When we entered Vietnam, and with our country’s atrocities now being filmed and broadcast across the world, positive public opinion started to plummet, never recovering to those WW2 levels. Even attempts at a pro-Vietnam war propaganda, like John Wayne’s The Green Berets, didn’t produce the patriotic fervor the United States government wanted. Right after 9/11 it came closer than it ever had, because there’s nothing like a terrorist attack on domestic soil to persuade citizens of a country to give up their basic rights to privacy and wear mass produced t-shirts made in overseas sweat shops proclaiming “Our Colors Don’t Run”. With the now 24-hour news media cycle and the amplification of all kinds of varying opinions, even during the Bush administration we could hear vocal outcry to their several war crimes. Sure, we’ll still have American Sniper, but nothing will ever come off as sincere and rousing as a bunch of mannequins waving an American flag back and forth on a Broadway stage.
Because boy howdy, this is excellently made propaganda. Yankee Doodle Dandy is a fictionalized retelling of real-life actor/dancer/singer/composer/producer George M. Cohan, an Irish-American who grew up on the stage with his family by his side. The film is a squishy-timeline’d recounting of his rise to fame and wealth based on his talent and drive to succeed. And the in the most American origin story of all, its genesis may have been a result of its lead actor’s desire to prove he wasn’t a commie.
George M. Cohan is played by James Cagney, typically known for his roles in gangster movies even though he loved to sing and dance (I am convinced Hugh Jackman is trying to mimic his career). The real life Mr. Cohan was annoyed by Cagney’s initial casting because he thought he was too pretty, leaning more toward someone like Fred Astaire, who is as goofy as he is good looking. Mr. Cohan was overruled, however, and by the time he viewed the film shortly before his death, he confessed he was a fool for his protests. James Cagney is lovely in this - he’s charismatic and funny, improvising many of the bits that had me laughing out loud. He also worked with Mr. Cohan on this movie, and the script went through a lot of rewrites based on his feedback.
We open the movie on an older George M. Cohan performing on stage as FDR in a musical titled “I’d Rather Be Right”. On opening night, after making out with his wife backstage in front of everybody, he receives a telegram from the White House from what George assumes is an annoyed Mr. Roosevelt. Only then does Mr. Cohan question whether or not its appropriate to impersonate a sitting president during an active war as he tucks his tail between his legs and takes the train to Washington.
Upon being greeted by a valet that remembers George’s first visit to the grounds 30 years ago, we’re treated to the mental image of that racist fucking asshole Teddy Roosevelt getting so jazzed up by Mr. Cohan’s rendition of “You’re a Grand Old Flag” that he would gleefully sing it in the bathtub. George is brought up to President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s office where a very well-meaning actor gives a faceless performance that will later be dubbed over in post. The president praises Mr. Cohan’s patriotism, declaring, “That’s one thing I’ve always admired about you Irish-Americans. You carry your love of country like a flag, right out in the open.”
George informs the president that he inherited his nationalism from his father, who ran away to proudly fight in the civil war. Not to shit on my entire people, but I find it hard to believe that Irish-Americans were passionate about abolishing slavery for all people back in the 1860s. Mr. Cohan then takes this opportunity to kick-off the framing device by relaying his entire life story to a sitting president who clearly has nothing else to do.
Picture it: Providence, Rhode Island, 1878. It’s the Forth of July, and Jerry Cohan, dressed like a leprechaun and sporting the worst Irish accent that I’ve heard since I’ve tried to do one myself, is rushing off the stage and back to the house to meet his newborn son George Washington Michael Cohan. With a baby sister, Josie (played by Cagney’s real-life sister Jeanne), born several years later, the kids join the family business and the entire troop begin touring the vaudeville circuit as the aptly named 4 Cohans.
They’re making this poor kid play a violin on his head while tap dancing. Lindsey Sterling could never.
Also, 13 minutes in and we’ve already got our first blackface performance. Add it to the list.
After snagging his first lead role at thirteen chucking eggs and flour at adults on stage, little Georgie lets the fame immediately go to his head. He can’t help himself from mouthing off to Ed Albee, a theater owner who makes the mistake of offering The 4 Cohan’s third billing in his new show (even though it’ll double their salary) losing them the opportunity. His reformation comes shortly after he gets the shit kicked out of him by his father and a roaming gang of theater-going children because sometimes scrubs gotta get hit. The family then spends the next 10 years floundering around from city to city until George meets Mary, an “18-year-old” girl who visits him backstage to get advice on how to start in showbusiness. After fucking with her to test the waters on a potential grandfather fetish, he claims he can get her a gig with the show.
George rides his ego right into the next town, having his ingénue change her act last minute to a George M. Cohan original without informing the manager ahead of time. The manager is so incensed Mary replaced the (mysteriously now drunk) dog act with untested nonsense that he fires her, George, and George’s family.
“Drunk or sober, the dog act goes on in the next show,” might be my favorite line in all the 71 reviews I’ve written.
Black-balled and suddenly unemployed, Georgie teams up with Mary and starts shopping his material around to whatever producers will take a meeting. After several months of no dough (and with the goodwill of their landlord running thin), George pretends to sell one of his shows so his family will drop his toxic butt and tour without him to earn a bit of cash while “the show is in rehearsal”. After they leave, George continues to pedal hoping he will Secret a career into existence.
“Who’s strong and brave, here to save the American way…”
While working the circuit, George teams up with Sam H. Harris, a playwright that is having about as much luck with selling his content as Mr. Cohan is. They con an old man with his wife’s money burning a hole in his pocket to buy a show about some jockey named “Little Johnny Jones” that George wrote because he was short and he wanted to star in it.
The only reason I know this song is because of Steel Magnolias. I also had no idea those weird bottlecap costumes were a real thing; I thought it was something Mary Poppins made up.
TIL Mr. Jelly Legs here wrote “Give My Regards to Broadway” for this musical in 1904.
With the success of George’s Broadway show, he telegrams his family to join him back in New York so they can reestablish the act on a bigger stage. Gaining notoriety has also afforded him the opportunity to recruit big name stars like Fay Templeton, although she doesn’t seem very keen on the idea since Mr. Cohan is mostly known for showy displays of patriotism, which she hates for some reason. It isn’t until she hears him sing a repackaged “Give My Regards to Broadway” as a love song about living 45 minutes outside the city that piques her interest. The deal is well and truly sold after she hears “Mary”, a song he wrote for his sweetheart. When George comes home to his song’s namesake, he proposes marriage to take the edge off of some famous lady stealing her gig, and she accepts because her only role in this movie is to be as supportive of George as possible.
The proposal is genuinely adorable, though, as she tells him she loves looking after him, and he says he could cast her for that part for the rest of their lives. When she coyly asks to see some of the script they kiss, and then Cagney improvises the line, “Not bad for a first reading.”
Mary is an amalgamation of the real-life George Cohan’s two wives, and her song was originally written for one of Mr. Cohan’s daughters, of which none are mentioned in this movie. Mary’s inclusion was against the advisement of Mr. Cohan, who would have preferred neither of his wives were mentioned at all. The actress who plays her, Joan Leslie, turned 17-years-old on set. Like, I want to reiterate, she was a literal child, and they had to shut down filming early when she was involved because she legally couldn’t work at night.
Anyway, George M. Cohan goes peak Americana with his latest show “George Washington Jr.”, which features cameos from the boy scouts, veterans, African Americans singing in front of the Lincoln memorial, that fucking racist Teddy Roosevelt, and a seemingly infinite amount of American flags.
After his parents retire to run a farm and his sister gets married, he tries to go “legit” by writing a 3 act play with no songs that bombs. He doesn’t have enough time to process his failure before a torpedo sinks the Lusitania. George tries to tap dance his way into the army but they reject him for being too advanced in age at an ancient thirty-nine years old. Instead, they argue he is much more valuable writing catchy propaganda for the troops.
After the war ends, George continues to make bangers (like more than 40 of them, dude’s a workhorse). At that pace, it was common for him to have multiple shows running on Broadway at the same time. Sometime off-camera his mother and sister die, with his father following soon afterward. With his entire family gone, George processes his grief by quitting showbusiness and touring the world with Mary. He then takes an attempt at retirement on the farm until his old partner Sam calls asking him to come back for one. last. show. And take a guess who he wants George to play.
Now back at present day, we discover that FDR didn’t call up Mr. Cohan for some late-night pillow talk. He wanted to award George M. Cohan with the Congressional Medal of Congress “for his Contribution to the America Spirit”. Mr. Cohan is so touched by the gesture that he dances his way down the stairs, which is something Cagney improvised because he’s in the top 10 most charming men who have ever been born.
Here’s where I have the privilege of telling you that this is clearly not how the real George M. Cohan was awarded The Congressional Gold Medal of Honor for songwriting. While Cohan was a democrat and initially supportive of FDR, he did not approve of the president’s view on unions. Cohan was a staunch union buster (sad trombone), so he refused to pick up his award for 4 years in order to avoid meeting with the president with the hope that his term would run out. FDR eventually was like, 'dude, come and get this thing it’s taking up space’, and Cohan begrudgingly accepted it in 1940 out of duty for his country. Apparently all was forgiven once Roosevelt hugged him, although I’m not sure it changed either of their opinions on labor laws.
It’s a shame I’m not a blind flag-waving patriot, because this film is delightful. It’s hard not to fall in love with the characters, and I genuinely laughed out loud in several parts at their dialogue. James Cagney can easily take credit for the majority of this - his improvised bits brought Mr. Cohan to life. I let out a surprised yelp when he took off his old man toupee, threw it on the ground and stomped on it - who thinks of that?? He even reprised this role several years later in The Seven Little Foys (Eddy Foy Jr. made a brief cameo in Yankee Doodle Dandy depicting his father). Like with Barbra Streisand and Fanny Brice, I’m sure going to have a hard time separating Cagney’s depiction of George M. Cohan from his real-life counterpart.
If you can stomach a film that whole heartedly celebrates this quagmire of a nation (and full transparency, I failed last year because I just had my reproductive rights snatched away from me and was exhausted from googling which doctors in my state would give a single woman with no kids a tubal ligation), it’s a pretty entertaining watch.
My mother thanks you, my father thanks you, my sister thanks you, and I assure you, I thank you for reading! If you’ve enjoyed this post, please consider helping me fund this project by donating to my ko-fi :)
Funny Girl: How Feminism Killed My Marriage!
It was only coincidence I decided to watch Funny Girl after completing my review of A Star is Born, as it hits several of the same plot points. I honestly thought the only reason they were strikingly similar to me was because I viewed them back-to-back, but then two videos I watched about the Broadway production noted this as well, so I didn’t feel entirely unjustified. Man with lots of money discovers woman before she becomes a star. They start a obviously doomed relationship and get married right as the wife’s career starts to take off. The husband struggles with his own vices to the detriment of his wife’s career, and ultimately their relationship ends because the husband is too proud and can’t handle the fact their spouse makes more money than them. The end.
Although I don’t think the plot is necessarily the reason to watch this movie (the reason is to watch Barbra Streisand be the most Barbra Streisand she can be), it is a fictionalized retelling of the rise of real-life burlesque star Fanny Brice and her relationship with her first husband Nick Arnstein. From all accounts this leans pretty heavy on the fictionalized, as Nicky was married when he and Fanny began their affair, it took him 6 years to get divorced from his previous wife to marry Fanny, and Fanny eventually divorced him because she was sick of him fucking around on her. Even though her love life was tumultuous, Fanny’s career is what made her special, which is why it’s a bit annoying that in the majority of this movie it takes a backseat to her fascination with a useless pretty boy. Although real-life Fanny’s character was a Jewish characture, she helped in revising the criteria of what kinds of women could be famous performers. Beyond a good body and a pretty face, personality and talent were enough to gain notoriety. Although let’s be real, it’s not like Fanny was hideous or anything.
Barbra originated this role on Broadway, and it was tailor made to her talents. Check out the videos linked from Staged Right for a great summary of how the show was created, how Barbra was cast against the wishes of Fanny’s non-fictional daughter, and what a seemingly contentious run the Broadway musical had. When Columbia bought the rights to the show, it was with the understanding Barbra would reprise the role on film. And oh boy, guys, this is probably one of the best love letters to a leading actress I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid.
Picture it: New York, 1920s. Fanny Brice, with her name in lights on the Ziegfeld Follies marquis, soberly enters backstage and greets herself in a sound clip I used as a log-in alert on AIM for like 6 years. Giving off “I’m going to retire” energy, Fanny wanders the stage and loiters in the empty theater until her assistant Emma finds her and cryptically asks “This is the day, isn’t it?”. Fanny confirms, and free of context I have no idea if this woman is making a comeback, or leaving showbusiness, or running away to join the circus. When Emma mentions that Ziegfeld is waiting for her, Fanny disassociates and we’re treated to a flashback a few years earlier…
Picture it: New York, 1910s. A young Fanny Brice’s neighbors are reading her for filth on her appearance and mocking her for having dreams of singing stardom.
I think this is the only ensemble number that doesn’t take place on stage. Any solo or duet numbers with any character that aren’t Fanny, like Eddie, Mrs. Brice, and Nick, have been cut so Barbra is on screen almost 100% of the time. I was genuinely shocked later on when Omar Sharif started singing because I forgot this was something someone other than Barbra was allowed to do.
Fanny heads to her new gig as a beautiful Arabian lady and is immediately fired for not knowing the routine and hamming it up the entire fucking time. The theater owner Mr. Keeney scolds the director Eddie Ryan for even casting such a goof while Fanny refuses to be dismissed and sings and dances her way around until they’re forced to physically escort her out of the theater.
Mid-rant, and after accosting a few children, she breaks back in only to find everyone gone except Eddie, who after hearing her pipes asks why she even considered auditioning for a chorus girl when clearly she’s a belter. I giggled uncontrollably when Fanny answered, “If you were looking for a juggler, I’d have been a juggler”, cause girl, same. When I was a kid I legitimately auditioned for a part in Harlequin that required juggling skills full-well knowing I couldn’t, and when asked to prove I could after the singing portion was acceptable, the ensuing display of athletic prowess cemented the fact I would absolutely not be chosen.
I tried googling this musical and I can’t find evidence it ever existed. Maybe it was some public school choir teacher’s passion project they only got to see kids perform once a year after a 3 week summer camp? Or maybe I had a fever dream when I was 10 and hallucinated being in it? IDK, help me out here.
Eddie decides to give Fanny a second chance at the chorus after she assures him she can roller skate, even though it was a bold-faced lie. After falling on her ass 20 times, which froths the audience into a frenzy, Eddie allows Fanny to sing a solo. Her unique blend of comedy, talent, and the sudden ability to skate once she’s getting sole attention from everyone, wins over Mr. Kenney and Fanny is tentatively offered a permanent position.
“Honey hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…” is Barbra’s signature slurry phrasing at its peak.
Fanny’s shenanigans also catch the eye of a ridiculously attractive gambler Nicky Arnstein, who successfully hustles Mr. Kenney to hire Fanny for $50 a week, but is unsuccessful in asking Fanny out. She shrugs off his advances after surmising she is well out of his league, but oh my god, how the hell would anyone turn down Omar Sharif? I am not that strong willed.
According to Wikipedia, this is the fourth movie on this list that almost cast Frank Sinatra (previous ones including A Star is Born, The Music Man, and Easter Parade). For as much as y'all know I love Frankie, whoever suggested him over Omar should be well and truly slapped.
Several months later, there’s a commotion on Henry street when the Brice’s receive a telegram, and once the shock that someone hadn’t died worn off, they’re left in the wake of Ziegfeld’s request for Fanny to come by his theater and audition. She reacts in a completely reasonable way.
Unsurprisingly, she aces the audition, and after fighting with Ziegfeld over how beautiful he thinks she is verses how she thinks she’s not, she turns his new finale number from a bizarre ode to seasonal brides into a comedy act about a shotgun wedding in order to deflect anticipated criticism away from her face.
Peek a small cameo from Anne Francis, whose part was cut down so much she tried to get herself removed from the credits altogether. It’s fine, instead she’ll forever be known as the woman who pranked Dorothy Zbornak by pretending to die while beating her at tennis.
Fanny averts termination even though she deliberately ignored the directions of the director, again, because she’s too much of a hit. She rides the high of bossing around Ziegfeld right into the arms of Nicky, who just so happens to be there on her opening night. This time she takes him back to her mother’s saloon and he politely allows her friends and family to clean out his pockets at poker even though he’s a bit of a professional gambler.
After charming the entire block, Nicky convinces Fanny to follow him to a second location out into the alley so they can be alone, and like, sure, this is a colossally bad idea, but how do you say no to that smile? After establishing both of them are single, Nicky adds more red flags to the parade of them by saying he’s been with thousands of women because he likes to feel free and never has definite plans. Fanny reacts to this information by babbling incoherently about how some people kinda like being in relationships and Nicky kisses her to shut her up before riding off into the night.
I would die. Just drop dead right there, thank you and good night, it’s been a good life.
Flash forward AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR and Fanny randomly runs into Nick again at a train station in Baltimore while the Follies are on their national tour. He invites her to dinner in a private dining room at their hotel, and while she momentarily pretends to be aloof, once inside she does exactly what I would do immediately if left alone in a room with Omar Sharif in 1967.
Fanny asks why Nicky never called on her a year and two weeks ago and he explicitly says he could smell the virgin all over her and didn’t think she could hang. When asked what has changed now, he replies, “If you don’t, it’s time you learned.”
So… they bone, and continue to bone the entire week the Follies are in town. Unfortunately after 7 days Nicky’s racehorse turned into a pumpkin and he has to leave Fanny behind to board a boat to Europe to scam a bunch of bored dudes out of money since he doesn’t have any anymore. Of course Nicky confesses to Fanny he’s suddenly in love, so instead of going their separate ways after a brief sexcapade, Fanny abandons the show and makes a big romantic gesture by taking a tugboat to Nicky’s waterborne casino to surprise him. Her coworkers try to convince Fanny this is a colossally bad idea and you could anger a million bulls with all the red flags Nicky’s waving, but she simply. cannot say no. to that smile. I would make a joke that his dick must be legendary but she wouldn’t know any better if it wasn’t.
Oh look, another helicopter shot from the 1960s that’s a million times better than the one in A Hard Day’s Night.
Sidenote: Every time I hear “the sun’s a ball of butter” I first cringe because I hate that line, and secondly think of this skit.
This was Barbra’s first film role, by the way. Not that she wasn’t well-known at this point - her voice was already acknowledged as one of the greats before she even turned 30. But she steals the camera in every freaking scene, especially this one when Fanny’s clearly making the dumbest mistake ever. You root for Fanny; you want her to succeed in both life and love because Barbra is so charming. She won a Best Actress Oscar for this performance, and it’s incredibly easy to see why.
To the surprise of everyone (even Fanny), Nick is ecstatic to see her - so ecstatic he only giggles when the porter calls him “Mr. Brice” instead of going on a several-day bender that ends with him crashing Fanny’s Oscar acceptance speech. Of course Fanny plays the “please pick me, I’ll never tie you down” card, only to THIRTY SECONDS LATER suggest to Nick that usually when two people love each other, they get married. Instead of jumping off of the boat and swimming toward the shore, Nick informs Fanny if he can win his huge payday, she’ll get a husband. After much distress on Fanny’s part, Nick later returns to the room with a big wad of cash, and they immediately return home to play house for a while.
Fanny went from on the road living like a mouse to being blissfully happy with a husband, a mansion, servants and a baby. But the other shoe finally starts to drop when Nicky’s hot streak turns cold. While he’s losing the house on oil fields that produce no oil, Fanny is headlining in a show, putting Nicky’s ego in check. With a famous wife, his more-frequent losses are being broadcast around both his gambling community and society at large. When Fanny realizes Nick is drowning after he skips her show’s opening night for a poker game, she sets up a scheme where his buddy Tom would approach Nick with a legit job offer running a local casino. After Tom informs Nick he wouldn’t have to pony up start-up cash to make him a partner because his experience conning wealthy gentlemen was valuable enough, Nick smells the deception from a mile away and refuses the position because apparently it’s incredibly embarrassing for your wife to network for you.
In an effort to get back on top, Nick decides to participate in an scammy bond scheme, gets caught, and pleads guilty to the crime so it doesn’t look like he’s stupid enough to agree to something without knowing how fucking illegal it is. Fanny goes to court to see Nick before they ship him off to prison for a few years, and when he tries to end the relationship by telling Fanny he will never be able to support her, Fanny asks him to reconsider. If Nick feels the same way when he gets out, she won’t fight him on the divorce.
The absolute paranoia of a world where women could make more money than their husbands is fucking ridiculous to me. In both A Star is Born and Funny Girl, the moment the universe takes away the man’s ability to monetarily provide for his family he suddenly feels as if he has nothing to contribute. His masculinity and his ego get in the way of being truly proud of his wife. The women are both willing to entirely give up their careers to take care of their deadbeat husbands (even asserting in public they should be referred to by their husband’s last name), which is baffling on its own, but they’ve already made the irreversibly irredeemable crime of perusing success, even when their husbands initially encouraged it. All I learn from these stories is that men want strong women, strong enough where he can brag about them, but not strong enough to overshadow them. If that starts to happen, the wife needs to intuitively shrink in order to give their husband the chance to catch up.
One thing you can’t fault Nicky for is hiding his true nature. He told Fanny exactly who he was when they first met. He never had a set schedule because he wanted to feel free. She was Woman and he was Man, and she should be smaller so he can be taller. He might have cosplayed as a dependable dude for a few years, but ultimately he reverted back to his default.
Flash forward to the beginning of the movie, where we finally discover that Nick had been released from prison and Fanny would find out the state of their relationship before she went on stage. She warns Ziegfeld that if Nick wants to give it another shot she’s going to quit the show, because being a housewife will be the only thing to placate Nick’s fragile masculinity. Thankfully she doesn’t need to keep that promise, because when the pair are finally reunited she can tell by his behavior that this dude is about to drop the hammer. Fanny preemptively ends things, and then goes on stage to sing about her heartbreak.
The end of the movie differs from the musical in a pretty significant way as Fanny belts a lament for the end of her marriage. Barbra insisted singing the vocals at the end of the song live, and had Omar Sharif recite the line “You are beautiful” to her before each take to make her more emotional. It worked - I cry every time I watch the end of this movie.
“My Man” was a song the real-life Fanny Brice popularized in the Ziegfeld Follies Broadway show, which is the only reason it appears here, ending this depressing story on a weak downbeat that legitimately shocked me when the credits rolled. In the Funny Girl musical, Fanny goes through a variety of emotions that reprise the songs in the show - bitter and sad, but ultimately victorious with a powerful rendition of “Don’t Rain on My Parade." I can only attribute this change as the beginning of the 1970s bummer parade of weird musicals that make you want to slit your wrists on the way out.
And if this wasn’t enough, several years later they filmed a sequel to this, Funny Lady, about Fanny Brice’s relationship with her second husband Billy Rose, who was just as shitty of a partner as Nick Arnstein was. Their marriage also ends in divorce, so if you want to watch the same movie as Funny Girl but with a clunkier script just to get 10 minutes of Omar Sharif reprising his role as Nicky being as sleezebaggy as ever, don’t bother. It’s not worth it.
Funny Girl is a show that will forever be associated with Barbra, to the point where its protagonist Fanny is more of a fictionalized character than a real-life previously-breathing human being. This movie is fairly entertaining, although it clearly reflects the ideals of its time. If you like Barbra, it’s a must-see. If not, avoid it at all costs, cause there’s nothing else here other than her.
Except a hunky Omar Sharif being stupidly charming. There is also that.
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This story is a cautionary tale against playing a murder hobo in your RPG.
Let’s uh… Let’s talk about teenage Colleen for a moment here. I know, I don’t want to do it either, but context is needed and so it shall be provided.
Picture it: Grand Rapids, 2002. 15-year-old me, who very much loved shopping at Hot Topic, watching anime, and listening to System of a Down, went on vacation with my family for winter break. My father, who enjoys a wide variety of artistic expressions (except The Offspring’s “chainsaw music”) procures tickets at the Civic Theater for an unknown-to-him musical, Sweeney Todd. None of my family, in fact, had any idea what it was about, so it was to my absolute delight when a demented barber started lopping off heads with a razor at the end of the first act. It was the most bizarre musical I had ever witnessed, and my only critiques were this:
Other than that, once I returned home, I downloaded whatever was available on Kazaa. Sondheim has never, ever, been my jam, except for this musical, which I would defend with my life. There is an entire song about baking people into pies. It is the most on-brand thing that could have ever existed for the teenage version of me.
So imagine my utter delight several years later when it was announced that Tim Burton would be adapting it to screen, with Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and Alan Rickman as the leads. My favorite director and my favorite people and my favorite musical… I honestly couldn’t have cast it better in my mind. I had a promo poster hanging up in my dorm room for months. And then, I went and saw it and just… had some feelings I didn’t expect.
I think this story lends itself to film very well, because it gives a lot of opportunities of showing, not telling. The stage musical has a repeating chorus of cast members explaining to the audience the show they are about to see (put a pin in this, we’ll get back to it), but we don’t need that in film because it can very explicitly show Sweeney Todd slitting throats of randos that just wanted a shave. The uncomfortably up-close opening credits following the pie making process was brilliant and perfectly set expectations regarding the amount of gore your eyeballs are about to be accosted with. The sheer amount of blood they could use in this slasher film gleefully elevated it to campy as fuck. It was one of the great additions that obviously can’t be replicated on stage. Well, not without a splash zone, that is.
The horror aspect is the best part about this movie. I giggled incessantly during the Johanna murder montage. Every thud of a person rocketing down the body chute cracked me up. Also, the suspense during the first shaving scene with the Judge had me cringing, and I already knew what was going to happen.
The fantasy montages also worked fairly well. “By the Sea” is kind of a throwaway song in the stage musical, but it’s genuinely funny in the movie, where its vignettes overtly show how different Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett’s idea of an ideal future are.
These changes come with a set of maybe unintended consequences. I understand why the chorus was removed, and I support it generally, but without the character introductions, the first time we see Sweeney is on a boat with Anthony brooding that there’s no place like London. There’s no fanfare, no shrill sopranos shrieking his name, no grand reveal. Basically, it takes one of the most powerful entrances of a titular character, one that always causes the audience to spontaneously applause, and reduces it to a quiet moment of Johnny Depp trying out the ridiculous accent he’s developed for this role.
But the most egregious misuse of showing-not-telling is “A Little Priest”, god help me…
“A Little Priest” as a song is such a fucking masterpiece. If you look up “dark comedy” in the dictionary, it’s just a picture of Patti LuPone offering an imaginary meat pie filled with people meat to George Hearn.
It is 8-minutes of cannibalism puns. Patti setting up George with “How can you tell?” is my entire life. The joy I feel every time I listen to this song is just… Heavenly! It doesn’t need a fancy set or props because it’s based on their imagination. Bringing reality to this seems completely misguided.
But what does the movie do with this song? BUTCHER IT :ba dum tss:
It shows every person they’re willing to murder to boost Mrs. Lovett’s meat pie business, but does that really add anything? Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett spend the majority of the song casing the neighborhood out the window, which I think is meant to convey their predatory nature. The side-effect of this, however, is they are barely interacting, removing the majority of the magic of these characters finally understanding each other for the first time. Sure, they dance a little, but then Sweeney starts leading Mrs. Lovett around by her neck, exerting his dominance over her, when the whole fucking point of the song is Sweeney realizing Mrs. Lovett is his equal. He literally places his cleaver at her neck when talking about murdering the judge, even though she’s just established as his partner in crime. This is the campiest song in the entire show, and while the rest of this movie has wholeheartedly embraced the ridiculousness of the entire plot, "A Little Priest” somehow comes off as tedious and slightly abusive. And neither of them look like they’re having that much fun with it.
This song just highlights the miscasting of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. Their portrayal of these characters is understated in comparison to their stage counterparts, and part of this I understand because of the medium they’re working within. What plays great to the back of the room in a stage production is going to look like overkill when the camera is a few feet from the actor’s face. But Johnny Depp’s Sweeney looks bored and uninterested instead of brooding, and Helena’s Mrs. Lovett is so fragile that a strong wind would bring her down. I really, really love Helena Bonham Carter in other roles, but she cannot sing. Something as vocally demanding as the role of Mrs. Lovett is hard for a professional, as she has to persistently exert power so the audience believes she can hold her own against a literal serial killer. Every time Helena sings, it feels so thin - she doesn’t hold out a single note, and nothing is at a volume louder than a whisper. Her timid nature reads as victimization of her circumstances instead of a willing participant in this scheme.
During the promo of this movie, it was mentioned several times that Johnny Depp was in a band, so having him finally get the opportunity to use his voice in a role was going to pay off. It, um… didn’t. I feel like the dumb accent he affected got in the way of him properly singing. Tim Burton’s inability to not cast Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter in every single film he makes really did a disservice to this movie. Like, there are more than a few actors and actresses that can sing this role.
The rest of the cast are excellent, which makes this so disappointing. Typically Anthony and Johanna are played by people in their 30s, but they cast age appropriate actors in these roles who can sing, and who both captivated my attention. The amount I care about the romance between Anthony and Johanna in the stage show is 0%. In general, the whole situation is fairly unsettling, considering their “love song” is Johanna talking about killing herself to prevent daddy-fiancé from marrying her while Anthony pleads with her to kiss him. The film does away with this, making Anthony’s obsession with Johanna appropriately creepy, and her willingness to go along with him as only a means to an end to get away from her captor. I appreciated this interpretation, and felt it added depth to both their characters.
Jayne Wisener makes this very difficult song sound effortless and beautiful. The later scenes where she alludes to her ongoing trauma from the entire experience was perfect to include. It illustrates the consequences of being used as a human prize by people who give no consideration to her thoughts and feelings.
Jamie Campbell Bower gives me goosebumps when he sings “Johanna”. His face has disturbing determination written all over it, and it makes me feel like maybe Johanna may not be in better hands with him instead of the judge or her murdering, but devoted father. She really has no good options - it’s heartbreaking.
Sasha Baron Cohen and Ed Sanders also do a great job portraying Pirelli and Toby respectively. Sweeney Todd came out shortly after Borat, and to tell you I didn’t expect this from him is an understatement.
And Alan Rickman was perfect, as fucking always. God, I love and miss Colonel Brandon.
I wanted to love this movie when it came out, and also upon rewatch, but I just don’t. Maybe if it were my only exposure to the source material it would have held the same place in my heart as the stage show, but because I’ve seen Patti LuPone knock this out of the park, I’m always going to wonder what could have been.
Cast more broadway actors in movies, is all I’m saying. It worked for Julie Andrews films, it can work again.
When life unfortunately imitates art.
A Star is Born is a tale of addiction and fame that has four film adaptations that have nothing to do with the fact it’s clear Oscar bait (although Judy did famously lose this one to Grace Kelly). Did you guys know the entertainment industry changes and exploits people? I surely didn’t realize this until now, and that’s why the academy has consistently rewarded movies that talk about how weird Hollywood is. Y'know. Cause there’s so few of them.
I’m being glib, as this movie is probably one of the more sympathetic views of the big studio system, for all its flaws. It focuses on Esther Blodgett, a singer in a touring band, and how her encounter and subsequent relationship with big-star actor Norman Maine changed her career, and thus her life. This film is 3 hours long (it used to be both shorter and longer, for reasons explained later), and it *feels* that long. For every moment of levity there are 30 minutes of pain, and while this feels tedious sometimes, it does a great job of illustrating the highs and lows of caring for someone struggling with addiction. They burn so brightly in those small moments when everything is spectacular that it’s almost worth slogging through the periods of grim instability that does nothing but foreshadow a bleak future.
For those of you unfamiliar with the story I will give a rundown below. If you’re curious how this 1954 version differs from the other three films, Be Kind Rewind has an excellent video that you should watch after reading this. Seriously though, check out her channel, it’s incredibly informative.
Esther Blodgett (Judy Garland) and the Glenn Williams Orchestra, lead by her buddy Danny McGuire (the adorable Tommy Noonan, who will forever be Gus in my eyes) have booked a gig during a benefit concert. Norman Maine, a famous Hollywood actor, is supposed to perform as well, but he shows up drunk as a skunk and is having much more fun harassing the cast and crew than he is preparing to go on stage. While his PR agent Matt Libby has correctly identified Norman is in no position to be in front of people, he tries to distract him by sending him to the dressing rooms to be interviewed. This works for about 5 minutes until he hulks out and joins Esther and the gang on stage just for funsies.
In the sprit of ‘fuck it, we’ll do it live’, Esther succeeds in getting Norman involved with the act as comedic relief, he gets the positive attention he craves from the audience, and everyone laughs like this isn’t a big disaster played out in public.
Norman tries to thank Esther for saving him from looking even more like an ass by trying to get her to go to a second location with him. Even though Esther finds this strangely sweet, Danny wisely helps her escape to their next gig and Libby takes Norman home to sleep it off. That would be the end of it if Norman didn’t arise from the grave like a vampire at 2:30am to hunt down Esther like she’s his prey. He finds her at a club on Sunset where her and her friends are rehearsing, and oh my god, it’s so glorious.
I love Judy’s voice; I get goosebumps every time I hear her. She’s such a powerhouse.
Also, FUN FACT: The composer of this song, Harold Arlen, scored Gay Purr-ee, so if you also think “The Man That Got Away” bares a striking resemblance to “Paris is a Lonely Town”, there’s a legitimate reason for that.
A now-sober Norman bombards Esther with metaphors about her excellence and gradually isolates her from the group by physically dragging her around. Danny tries to separate them, but Esther leaves with Norman all the same to go back to her place and discuss her career goals. When she reveals she wants to get a #1 record on Hit Parade, Norman retorts that Esther’s dream is not big enough and she’s wasting her time paling around with undignified gig musicians. Esther is only slightly insulted by Norman’s blatant disregard of the work she’s already put in to get where she is, but buys into his promise to snag her a screen test. Esther then breaks Danny’s heart by quitting the band and asking them to move on to San Francisco without her. Danny tries to change her mind by suggesting she might not want to trust a flake (no matter how charming he is), but Esther believes Norman sees potential in her nobody else has, igniting her desire to aim higher.
Of course Norman gets loaded after leaving Esther’s house and his late night call to the head of the studio, Oliver Niles, is completely blown off as Norman trying to impress some broad he likes. Instead, the studio ships Norman out to work on his next picture, completely abandoning Esther for 5-6 weeks. Esther, never hearing back from Norman, moves into a cheaper place and gets a job as a roller skating waitress in an attempt to make ends meet while she attends auditions. She manages to book a VO gig singing in a shampoo commercial, which helps Norman locate her upon his return because he recognizes her distinct voice on the television. After tracking Esther down at the boarding house she’s slumming in, Norman finally follows through with his promise and lands her a screen test.
This montage of Esther and Norman separating and reuniting is particularly bizarre as it is presented as pages in Esther’s scrapbook - still sepia-tinted images with the character’s dialogue dubbed over it. It didn’t feel intentional, as some of the scenes are live action, like a car or a bus pulling away from a building, or a shot of a woman’s hand dipping into shampoo. I initially assumed this artistic decision was to cut down the film’s length, but the dialogue was still there, so it wasn’t succeeding if that were the goal. I later discovered the version of the film I was watching was the “restored” director’s version, as the original wide-release had 30 minutes removed by order of the studio in an effort to cut down its considerable runtime. Unfortunately, when Ron Haver, the film curator at the L.A. County Museum of Art, attempted to find the lost footage for the film’s 1983 re-release, he discovered these scenes were truly lost to time (literally, as they could not find the original film reels). Their “remedy” included displaying production stills with VO from the audio tapes they were able to locate. Honestly, I think all of this particular section could have stayed on the cutting room floor, as it’s a 30-minute detour that ends with Norman getting Esther the screen test, anyway. I’m assuming these scenes were included as a way to show Norman struggling to help Esther despite his alcoholism, and Esther’s new commitment to become famous. We get those impressions through their initial interactions, so this not-so-little side-quest truly feels redundant. Later lost scenes, however, such as (spoiler alert) Norman’s marriage proposal to Vicki, are pretty baffling omissions. I don’t think the cuts robbed Judy of her Oscar win like Lorna Luft does, but it does fuck up the movie’s continuity.
Upon Esther’s first visit to the studio, the makeup department completely change her look after going into great detail about her flaws. Norman hates the outcome and redoes her makeup to restore Esther’s natural beauty. Although Esther is nervous, she nails the audition and starts to book small parts, like those that require putting on a full face of makeup only to wave out the window of a train. They even yell at her when they see her face, which is as blatant of a metaphor for being a woman in showbusiness if I ever saw one. After the studio changes Esther’s name to Vicki Lester, Norman convinces Oliver to cast Vicki as the lead in a new picture after their previous one bailed. Upon release, the film becomes a wild success, and Vicki Lester’s star quickly rises.
Y'know, I really want to take a tally of the percentage of the musicals on this list that feature their white stars in blackface or parody other racial stereotypes, cause it’s more than I thought it would be. Judy’s daughter Lorna has mentioned Judy’s foray into impersonating other races was “of its time”, but I’m finding it incredibly exhausting and lazy that blackface is consistently used as shorthand for being poor or othered.
While the first half of this movie isn’t necessarily incredibly upbeat, the rest of it goes downhill from here. While Norman’s newly released movie is getting terrible reviews, everyone is now obsessed with Vicki. Feeling as though he’s done what he could to introduce Esther to the world, Norman tries to leave her, citing he’s an too-old disaster that will only drag her down. Esther responds to this by confessing her love to him, and instead of Norman bailing, they quickly get engaged in the creepiest eavesdropping-est way on the back of the promise that Norman will quit drinking.
The pair first run to the head of the studio because apparently they need his permission to move forward with this doomed marriage. Oliver gives his approval hoping that Vicki will be the positive influence that helps Norman stay on the straight and narrow. While Libby feels as if they’re setting a trap for Vicki, he agrees to spin the story for the positive in order to give Norman some much needed good press. Of course they exhaust any temporary good-will Libby was extending to them when the embarrassingly-named Mr. Earnest Sydney Gubbins and Esther Blodgett elope to a tiny courthouse to get married in secret. When they reach their roadside motel honeymoon destination, Vicki hears her new song “It’s a New World” on the radio as it reaches #1 on Hit Parade, implying that all of Esther’s dreams have now come true.
They start their new life by purchasing an expensive house on a ocean-side cliff, only for Oliver to break the news to Norman that the studio has decided to let him go because of his inconsistent behavior. Libby publicly plays it off like Norman is pursuing other opportunities, while in reality he’s relegated to a house husband, making sandwiches, taking messages, and pensively putting golf balls. While Norman seems generally supportive of Vicki’s budding career, a delivery man calls him Mr. Lester and the bruise to Norman’s ego sends him into a bender. This starts to jeopardize Vicki’s career when Norman decides to crash her Oscar acceptance speech by stumbling on stage and publicly declaring he needs a job.
3 months later, Norman is in rehab and Vicki is on set filming her latest movie. When Oliver comes to check on her, Vicki breaks down to one of the few people that understand her predicament, as she’s both frustrated and scared by Norman’s behavior.
Judy serves a heartbreaking performance during this monologue, with many speculating that this particular story hit too close to home. Judy’s life somewhat mimicked Norman’s, as she was fired from MGM because of her inconsistent behavior as a result of her own addictions. She was forced into the entertainment industry before she turned 3 years old, and even as a child was given amphetamines to keep her working and skinny. As she got older those habits became harder to break, especially when barbiturates were added to the mix to help her sleep. Most of her life had been spent earning money to provide for her parents, and then her own family, without the ability to choose if she could keep her pregnancies, or take time off after she was allowed to have Liza, in order to keep the checks rolling in for the studio. After years of constantly working with the help of prescription drugs, Judy struggled with mental health issues that the studio went through great lengths to hide, and the press was ecstatic to exploit.
Judy’s husband at this time, Sid Luft, produced A Star is Born in order to cast Judy in this role and make the movie a musical. Filming was difficult, but both Judy and James gave outstanding performances, as you feel the love between them while the heartbreak of addiction takes a toll on their marriage. Judy and Sid’s relationship similarly didn’t work out, as Sid confessed it was too difficult being with her. Judy hated him toward the end of her life as custody battles kept her from her children. If you’ve listened to any interview with Judy or her kids, she was incredibly loving and supportive of them, valuing her family over everything else. She ended her life completely disillusioned with the same industry that lifted her up, because they were even more gleeful in knocking her down by depriving her of her own voice.
Judy is mostly remembered as a young girl belting out “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”, or bounding around with Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire in romantic comedies, but this movie (specifically this scene) shows how underrated as a dramatic actress she was. The end scene of this movie between Esther and Danny legitimately scared the director, as Judy had never screamed on camera before. During Judy’s eulogy, James Mason said “she could wring tears out of hearts of rock,” and he’s not wrong.
Upon Norman’s release, he runs into Libby, who lashes out at him in frustration, leading to a physical altercation that Norman follows up with another bender. After several days of no-contact, Oscar and Esther find him in jail on a drunk and disorderly charge after he crashes his car, and Esther begs the judge to let him come home with her so she can take care of him. She puts Norman to bed and confides in Oliver she’s quitting the business to take care of her husband and give his sobriety a fighting chance. She has forced herself to believe that love will now be enough, and that Norman can be fixed if she can devote her time to him. When Oliver protests because Norman’s career is through, Esther reiterates she wouldn’t have her career without Norman’s connections and encouragement. Unfortunately Norman overhears this conversation from the other room, and takes it upon himself to release Esther from the burden of being his wife by wading into the ocean and drowning.
As much as Esther wants to process her grief in her own time, her good friend Danny pushes her to rejoin the land of the living by attending the same benefit concert she performed at a year ago when she met Norman. Norman was incredibly proud of the fact he discovered Vicki, and Danny posits he would be disappointed if she threw it all away because of him. Vicki decides to show up at the shrine, and when she takes the stage to introduce herself as Mrs. Norman Maine, the crowd goes wild. While they were dismissive of Norman and his disease while he was alive, they revere him and support Vicki after his death.
This is not a movie I would revisit often, as it emotionally takes a toll, but this is an absolute must-watch. Judy’s performance proves why she’s considered a legend - she’s funny, flirty, hopeful, frustrated, heartbroken, and devastated, and all-the-while her voice is a goddamn masterpiece. James Mason similarly does a splendid job at portraying a charismatic and caring, but flawed and proud protagonist. I’m fairly uninterested in seeing the other versions, as I could easily be happy with this being the definitive telling of this story. Judy is absolutely everything, I don’t know why anybody else would even try competing with her performance.
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The only Bollywood film on this list, and it’s a 4-hour epic about playing cricket to liberate the citizens of Champaner from the rule of the British empire.
Picture it: India, 1893. The British are being dickbags and collecting tax (lagaan) from a small farming village in exchange for protection from their violence. This is shitty and immoral in general, but there is a drought this growing season, and no crops to collect tax from. Their king pleads to British Captain Andrew “Fuckface” Russell, to use his influence to allow them to pray at a distant shrine for it to rain. Instead of helping them, Captain Fuckface humiliates the vegetarian king by asking him to eat meat as payment, which he refuses to do. To punish the king for having religious conviction, Captain Fuckface doubles the taxes of a village that literally cannot grow anything because they have no water.
Meanwhile, the villagers are losing their shit because they see a few rain clouds and think their luck is changing. They preemptively celebrate with the jauntiest of musical numbers that is so excellently performed, choreographed, and filmed that I couldn’t help but shuffle in my seat while I was watching it.
Unfortunately, the clouds pass them by, and their disappointment is only punctuated by the news they’re expected to pay double tax. A group of the villagers decide to appeal the decision to the king, even though they know it’s coming from those fucking British Imperialists. They find the king hanging out with their oppressors while enjoying a game of cricket. Bhuvan, our hunky main character, cannot keep his opinions to himself and remarks their cricket game looks like something stupid children play. Captain Fuckface overhears him and offers him a deal - In three months, if the villagers can beat him and his cronies at a game of cricket, they will exempt them from taxes for 3 years. If the villagers lose, however, they will be forced to pay 3x the tax for 3 years. Bhuvan, going against the will of literally all of his friends, agrees to the terms.
When the party returns with the news that Bhuvan has committed them to a high-stakes game that literally none of them know how to play, the villagers are understandably upset with him. They try to convince Bhuvan to apologize and ask Captain Fuckface to take back the deal, but he refuses, as he thinks the opportunity to succeed is too great, and he will not apologize for doing something that he believes will benefit all the citizens.
His friend Gauri, who is not-so-secretly in love with him, decides to help him with the task of recruiting players. They conduct covert operations to try and learn how cricket is played by observing the other team at their practices. Captain Fuckface’s sister, Elizabeth, happens to see them watching the game, and offers to teach them how to play. She believes her brother is being unfair, and her loins feel all hot when she looks at Bhuvan. They accept her help and train with her in secret.
Now that they have a coach, Bhuvan and Gauri appeal to the village again to recruit more players. Another catchy song later, they convince enough people to form a team.
Elizabeth, who magically learns Hindi in a day, helps the men train. Gauri is suspicious of her intentions, and makes it known as much as possible that she’s ride-or-die for Bhuvan and Elizabeth should back the fuck up.
When her subtle hints aren’t enough, she sings about Bhuvan’s wandering eye. He tells her she has nothing to worry about as he has no interest in this bland white woman.
All these musical numbers are so fire, I love them so much.
In a twist, Lakha, a woodcutter, is jealous of Gauri’s love for Bhuvan, as he wants her for his wife himself. Instead of accepting she doesn’t feel the same way about him and moving on to literally anybody else, he decides to go to Captain Fuckface and inform him his traitor sister Elizabeth is coaching the villagers. Even though this would force his entire village to pay triple tax for 3 years, Lakha’d rather do that than see Bhuvan win, which is fucking insane. It’s fucking insane. Captain Fuckface Smugsmirk asks Lakha to join Champaner’s cricket team and sabotage them from the inside. Afterward, CFF confronts his sister Elizabeth about helping them, and instead of killing her, he just tells her very sternly she can’t do it anymore.
Elizabeth ignores his wishes and continues to train the villagers in secret, because she is in love with Bhuvan. She tells him, in English, how she feels, which he does not understand. Gauri can read the room, however, and storms off because she’s afraid Bhuvan feels the same way about Elizabeth. He, instead, confesses his love to Gauri in a song that is half a beautiful confession of emotion between a new couple, and half Elizabeth filming a tampon commercial.
After a short 5-minute detour where Bhuvan just happens to end the centuries-long caste system, the day of the big cricket game arrives. This takes up the last 90 minutes of this movie. Apparently, a cricket match can take 3 days to play?! HOW. HOW IS THIS HOW CRICKET WORKS.
After the :sigh: first day of cricket playing, the team realizes that Lakha is trying to throw the game, and the village, very reasonably, tries to kill him. Bhuvan saves him, and Lakha feels so much shame that he decides to help them win.
After the :siiiiiigh: second day of cricket, the villagers are still significantly behind in points because of the massive lead the British gained on the first day. Gauri leads a prayer appealing to a higher power to help them win the game.
On the :siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh: THIRD DAY of the cricket match, things are looking bad for the British when the citizens of Champaner (mostly Bhuvan) start getting runs left and right. In a move of desperation, the British pitcher basically bowls the little ball thing into members of the Champaner team and injures like 3 of their batters so they can’t continue to play. I’m not even going to look up to see if this is a thing that they’re allowed to do, cause in the context of this movie, it apparently is. Also, it’s the British Empire, and I’m sure they can make up whatever fucking rules they want.
Turns out, I give zero shits about cricket, and still don’t understand the basic rules even after watching this movie. Gonna be honest… I sped up the last like 30 minutes because I just couldn’t cricket anymore. To clarify, it wasn’t bad - if you like cricket or sports in general, this could TOTALLY be your jam. But after 3+ hours of this movie and zero interest in any sport that isn’t hockey, I couldn’t slog through it at normal speed.
Oh, and to the surprise of nobody watching this movie, the British still end up losing and the entire village celebrates.
The British surprise everybody by keeping their word, and exempt the province from three years of taxes. Embarrassed by the loss, the British decide to abandon their rule over Champaner, which sounds totally realistic. Captain Fuckface is shipped off to Africa as punishment, and Elizabeth leaves with the rest of the encampment after she realizes she has zero chance with Bhuvan. She returns to England and never marries because Bhuvan has her heart until she dies, which is just… so grim. He’s cool and all, but sweetie, move on.
This movie is great - it’s filmed beautifully, has a ton of likable characters, high plot stakes, and absolute bangers of songs. If I cared about sports I’d personally give it a 10/10, but seeing as I’m a dumb half-canadian whose brain cannot focus on any sport that doesn’t require ice, I give it a 7/10.
Patrick Willems finally watched Lagaan and was similarly perplexed by the rules of cricket, so I feel somewhat justified by being bored watching THREE IN-MOVIE DAYS OF IT.
Patrick attempted to learn the game in an effort to understand it, though, so this is another example of like one million why he’s a better media critic than I am lmao
Welcome to The Music Man, the wordiest musical to ever have musical’d until Hamilton came along.
Apparently they originally wrote almost 40 songs for the show, so it could have been even wordier. Coincidentally, I’ve linked like 40 videos in this fiasco of a review because The Music Man’s cultural impact is insane and it’s almost unbelievable how I’ve been able to avoid this movie until now.
Picture it: River City, Iowa, 1912. A train full of travelling salesmen, including Paul F. Tompkins, can’t get Harold Hill’s name out of their mouths.
I see no difference here.
This scallywag has been sellin’ every town in Illinois a bill of goods by pretending he’s a band leader in order to get a bunch of well-meaning parents to buy their boys some brass instruments. Once the instruments arrive, he leaves them high and dry with a hobby not a single child can pursue. These “upstanding” proto-MLM patriots, guilty by association, can’t sell to the same town after a man who doesn’t know the territory wrecks havoc, and they vow to hunt Harold down to stop him. Mr. Hill (Robert Preston), who happens to be on the same train, decides to wisely out himself to everyone by hopping off at the next stop to work his con on another green patch of people.
Barbara Cook, who originated the role of Marian on Broadway, said “Rock Island” wasn’t always a hit because it was originally scored. It didn’t truly take off until they removed the instruments because audiences were shocked the show started with an acapella number. It’s novel how the lyrics speed up and slow down with the momentum of the train, even if after a while my brain disassociates and everything sounds like a word salad.
Harold finds himself in the quiet and quaint River City - a place that’s biggest entertainment is a new Pool table.
Subtle.
Not five minutes after arriving, Greg Harold runs into his old business partner Marcellus Wallace Washburn (Buddy Hackett), who has disappointingly gone legit. After waving another scheme under Marcellus’ nose, he takes the bait and helps Harold case the town. Finding it devoid of general sin that can only be fixed by rigorous music lessons, Harold feigns a mortality panic to whip the town into a frenzy. Turns out pockets can turn an entire city into a festering cesspool, and that’s why they removed them from tabletop games and all women’s clothing.
My first knowing exposure to this musical was, again, from Grace and Frankie, when Robert sings this song. I had no idea that everyone and their mother had covered or parodied this fucking thing. It’s iconic, and Robert Preston, who originated this role on Broadway (and who the writer of the show, Meredith Wilson, fought so hard to cast for the movie that they almost revoked the entire project when the studio was in talks with Frank Sinatra) makes this very difficult song look easy. It’s wordy and the rhythm is relentless, odd and irregular, which I didn’t even really notice until I unfortunately listened to Hugh Jackman barely make it through it.
Also, I regret to inform you that Seth MacFarlane would make an excellent Harold Hill.
There’s only one person that can potentially come between Harold and his big payday - Marian “the Librarian” Paroo (Oklahoma’s Shirley Jones). When she’s not recommending smutty tentacle porn to teenagers, she teaches young kids to play piano. Both Marcellus and Harold are nervous that one whiff of ignorance from the “professor” might set off alarm bells, so Mr. Hill decides to woo Marian in order to distract her. While Marian is generally disgusted by his (and the town’s) behavior in general, her mother is surprisingly open to her daughter getting stalked a little by a strange out-of-town man. After all, those novels Marian reads set unrealistic expectations for romantic relationships, and if she’d just fucking lower her standards she might be able to pop out a few babies before she turns 26.
The next morning, the town is celebrating the 4th of July with some bland indoor slideshow. What follows is the most American minute that has ever been recorded to film: Blind, showy patriotism, mocking of the indigenous people we murdered and displaced in order to conquer this great land, school violence, unfounded moral panic, and a con-man capitalist taking advantage of chaos to convince everyone his product will put them at ease.
The Mayor’s wife decides to dress up like an American Indian stereotype in order to rattle off some nonsense about counting numbers. Tommy, a 25-year-old-looking teenage hoodlum, lights a stick of dynamite under her dress, causing the entire gymnasium to lose their shit, and like honestly, this is the appropriate response to seeing a white lady showing her whole ass. Harold decides to use this as an example of how sick the town clearly is, and suggest the only cure for this fever is more cowbell.
This song is a living testament of how important marketing is. The little girl in the white sailor suit is picking up whatever Harold is throwing down.
Robert Preston is so charismatic, you guys. Even when he’s being a slimeball I can’t help but sing along. He’d never professionally sang before being cast in this show, and Jesus Christ, they found a diamond.
The town, including the mayor and the school board, buy this schtick hook, line and sinker. Only Marian has enough sense to insinuate a background check would be wise, causing the Mayor to call for Harold’s credentials. Instead, Harold ignores him and deradicalizes the violent incel Tommy by hooking him up with some pussy.
And thus begins Harold’s delicate balance between getting close to the town to earn more sales, but not close enough where people start asking questions. He distracts the school board by magically turning them into a barbershop quartet and a bunch of chickens into a Tuesday Night Dance Group. But the hardest nut to crack remains to be Marian, who isn’t impressed with his fake credentials or his manners. After intel recovery reveals she might have been fucking an old dude to inherit a library, Harold rejoices at the thought of seducing a slut with daddy issues instead of a Sunday school teacher.
Deciding to harass this poor woman at her job, Harold insinuates to Marian he’s heard she may have loose morals. He reiterates he’s here for a good time, not a long one, so maybe they should go in the back and get properly acquainted by… discussing his revolutionary “Think System”, where one can learn how to play a song on an instrument merely by thinking it enough. When his proposition doesn’t work, Harold targets Marian’s widow mother in order to get on her good side. See, Marian’s elementary school-aged brother Winthrop (played by an teeny-tiny Ron Howard) is embarrassed by his lisp and seldom speaks. Harold tells Mrs. Paroo (Pert Kelton) a cornet (and a fancy uniform, cause that’s where the real money’s at) will cure her son’s speech impediment, and intrigued by the prospect, she agrees to purchase the instrument.
Several days later, the Wells Fargo wagon shows up packed full with a whole band’s worth of horns. After seeing Winthrop’s excitement at the prospect of learning how to play music, Marian decides to stop giving Harold so much shit and hide the fact she knows he didn’t graduate from the Gary, Indiana conservatory because the city didn’t exist when he said he graduated (rookie mistake, honestly, it’s almost like he wants to get caught).
With phase one complete, Harold now has to pretend to teach a bunch of kids how to play instruments while waiting for the delivery of phase two. Turns out, “The Think Method” involves having the kids sing the same song over and over again until Harold pawns off band practice on his lackey Tommy.
Things seem to be going smoothly until The Mayor’s ire is directed toward Harold again after discovering Harold set Tommy up with his daughter. The Mayor reiterates he needs to see the spellbinders credentials, and Harold, again, blows him off to hit on Marian, who suddenly believes “The Think Method” doesn’t sound like complete bullshit. She makes heart eyes at Harold every chance she can get because of her brother’s enthusiasm, and I’m going to choose not to read into her falling for a guy who is parenting her brother.
Look, I’m not going to shit all over a 7-year-old Ron Howard cause he’s goddamn adorable, but I fucking hate this song. As a child I was involved in musical theater (I know, you would have never guessed) and while little girls were cursed to always audition with “Castle on a Cloud”, little boys typically did a rendition of “Gary, Indiana”, SCREAMING THE LYRICS AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS because that’s how Ronny Howard did it, and he’s endearing.
While the town is preparing for their big Ice Cream Social, an anvil salesman is roaming the streets with the expressed purpose of outing Harold’s scheme because HE DON’T KNOW ONE NOTE FROM ANOTHER. He unfortunately runs into Marian, who is pretty enough that The Salesman says he could concentrate *a whole five minutes* on her before he had to make his train. She wastes his time by shoving her boobs in his face in order to thwart his plan because Harold bought her drink once so the bar is in fucking hell. The Salesman tells Marian she’s a goddamn moron for protecting a man with a woman in every county before running off into the night.
Harold coincidentally shows up seconds later at Marian’s door, which leads to this enlightened conversation:
“Are you a man whore? ‘Cause I heard you were a man whore.”
“Really? 'Cause I heard you were a slutty librarian.”
“Ah, right, well, I’m not slutty, so we both must be chaste.”
“Yep, people are obviously jealous of us so they make shit up. So… Wanna go bang by the footbridge?”
“I couldn’t possibly do that.”
“You can and you will, but after the dance.”
“OK, sounds legit.”
The Ice Cream Social has real Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and Oklahoma energy. First, the dance committee comprised of the Mayor’s wife and, most importantly, the queen Mary Wickes, shows off their excellent skills until River City’s own well-dressed Peter Griffin does a catchy little ditty on slut shaming.
Legitimately, I didn’t realize this song was a real thing when I saw it on Family Guy years and years ago and honestly, I should have known better. It’s upbeat and infectious, even though it’s probably the dumbest made up thing I’ve ever heard.
After everyone sings about how women shouldn’t kiss on the first date, Harold and Marian find themselves in the park with a bunch of other couples who are similarly getting freaky dancing. Marian declares her love for Harold by belting a song inches away from his face, which is almost as awkward as whistling into it.
Shirley Jones was pregnant for the majority of the filming of this movie, but was told not to tell anyone other than the costume department. This secret was revealed to Robert Preston when she went in for a kiss and he felt her baby kick through her dress.
This moving song does pretty much nothing in diverting Harold from his plan to bolt now that the uniforms have arrived and he collected all his money, but then Marian tells Harold she’s always known he’s been conning them by revealing the piece of paper she ripped out of the educational ledger that was shoved in her dress. When the town mob, lead by The Mayor and the anvil salesman, come to tar and feather Harold, he stays to face the consequences instead of running away because Marian’s blind and irrational love has changed him. Aw.
Harold is dragged to the town hall to presumably be beaten to death, when Marian gives an impassioned speech suggesting even though Harold doesn’t know how to play an instrument, he is an excellent community organizer that has saved the town from boredom. The boy’s band then miraculously stumbles through a rendition of Beethoven’s “Minuet in G” because Tommy, the real MVP of this movie, taught them how to do it, and Harold is forgiven for flimflamming everyone for an entire summer. The town then collectively hallucinates the best marching band that’s ever played and everyone lives happily every after. The end.
I’m always so amused to discover what the plot is of some of this country’s most famous musicals. Like, Oklahoma was about the dangers of pornography, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers was about sex trafficking, and The Music Man is about a conman who has a deal with Marshall Music Co. and Stanbury uniforms. Surprisingly, I found myself rooting for Harold Hill despite the fact he’s a fast-talking shitbag. Even though Marian and Harold’s relationship felt very one-sided (nobody makes an 'I’m completely and utterly in love face’ better than Shirley Jones), I wanted him to live up to her expectations of him. When the children started playing their instruments for the first time and that clunky sound caused their parents to shout with glee I had major middle school band flashbacks. It was glorious.
The best part of this movie is that if everyone in this town weren’t so thirsty or easily distractible, Harold’s ruse would have been discovered in like 10 minutes, but whatever. The Music Man is a jaunty two-and-a-half hour ride that I could nitpick to death if I didn’t enjoy it so much. Definitely a must-watch.
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Several months ago, Patrick Willems created the above love letter to RRR, and while I was only *slightly* disappointed the title didn't stand for Rips/Reps/Revelations, I trust Patrick's opinion in action movies because he's also an honorary member of the Toretto family. When it made its way to Netflix I immediately watched the film and hooooly shit, I was not disappointed.
Watching RRR brings me so much fucking joy. It has action scenes that are so bananas they can only be topped in ridiculousness by a Pontiac Fiero being launched into space (and even then, it's fucking close). It's beautiful, engaging, emotional, and has some fire fucking bops.
I've been complaining that modern musical movies do a shit job at filming the actual musical numbers. It's all huge sets and jump cuts and you don't get to appreciate the actors for the talent they're exhibiting. BUT NOT HERE. "Naatu Naatu" is proof that fire choreography and charismatic performers can easily sell a song. I've watched this dozens upon dozens of times. It's the most glorious showboating, and y'all know how hyped I get when dance numbers kick up dirt.
Take this as your sign to watch RRR if you haven't already cause oh my god, you'll be screaming for weeks/months afterward about how good it is.
Ah! This is a great watch! I love how the director is so respectful and appreciative of the work everyone put into the scene. The reactions of the dancers and actors, the meaning behind the choreography, the care put into the costumes… How freaking cool to listen to.
Several months ago, Patrick Willems created the above love letter to RRR, and while I was only *slightly* disappointed the title didn’t stand for Rips/Reps/Revelations, I trust Patrick’s opinion in action movies because he’s also an honorary member of the Toretto family. When it made its way to Netflix I immediately watched the film and hooooly shit, I was not disappointed.
Watching RRR brings me so much fucking joy. It has action scenes that are so bananas they can only be topped in ridiculousness by a Pontiac Fiero being launched into space (and even then, it’s fucking close). It’s beautiful, engaging, emotional, and has some fire fucking bops.
I’ve been complaining that modern musical movies do a shit job at filming the actual musical numbers. It’s all huge sets and jump cuts and you don’t get to appreciate the actors for the talent they’re exhibiting. BUT NOT HERE. “Naatu Naatu” is proof that fire choreography and charismatic performers can easily sell a song. I’ve watched this dozens upon dozens of times. It’s the most glorious showboating, and y'all know how hyped I get when dance numbers kick up dirt.
Take this as your sign to watch RRR if you haven’t already cause oh my god, you’ll be screaming for weeks/months afterward about how good it is.
The several minutes of forced laughter isn’t the only thing cringey about this film
Y’know, my friend has something called the Thumper Rule: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all. And I try to abide by it, but most of the time I’m like Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias.
I tried, I tried really hard to understand why Swing Time is so high on the list. If we’re only considering the Fred and Ginger dance numbers, sure, you could make a case, because they’re amazing and at the top at their game. The choreography in this movie is fire, and the repeating motif of them walking side by side together picks up emotional weight as the story progresses. But literally everything else about this movie is annoying to me. The “Fred and Ginger Formula” is now starting to lose its luster.
Fred Astaire’s character, Lucky, is a gambler/dancer, and he’s supposed to be getting married to an affluent women named Margaret immediately after he tap dances off the stage. His friends, who for sure have grandkids who think that Saturdays Are For The Boys, have decided to sabotage this endeavor by telling Lucky his pants are so last season. Lucky kills time waiting on them to be tailored by rolling some dice, and several hours later, when he figures out he’s been tricked, he shows up to his own wedding several hours late after all the guests have left. While his fiancé and her father are initially furious with Lucky, he tells them he was out earning a dumb amount of money, and offers to buy Margaret for $25k. They agree to this arrangement because they are terrible people.
Lucky flees to New York with his unscrupulous friend Pop to gamble his way into a wife. He encounters Penny at the cigarette machine when he trades her his lucky quarter for a few dimes and a nickel. Thirty seconds later, when he gets the money to trade it back, she refuses because she thinks he’s attempting to pick her up. While she’s trying to rebuff Lucky’s advances, Pop steals the quarter from her purse, and she alerts a policeman because she thinks Lucky took it. The policeman, being super on-brand, calls her a crazy broad and threatens to arrest her for disturbing the peace because Lucky is wearing a nice suit. She leaves, Pop reveals to Lucky he actually did steal the quarter from Penny, and Lucky follows her into her place to business to return the money… again.
If this sounds super convoluted, it is. This is, by far, the dumbest meet-cute I’ve ever encountered, and I’ve lived through and been forced to watch nearly all the terrible early 2000s romantic comedies.
To Lucky’s absolute luck, Penny works at a dance studio, so Lucky pulls a Cady Heron and pretends he doesn’t know how to dance in order procure some lessons. Penny is pleased as punch to see him, and doesn’t slug him on site because she wants to keep her job. Once Lucky finally admits that he’s a premium dancer, Penny’s boss books the two of them a gig at the Silver Sandal, as long as Lucky can show up in a tuxedo.
Lucky, of course, only has a stolen quarter to his name, so Pop runs out to try and scam a drunk guy into betting his dapper clothes. Penny walks in on her new friends playing strip poker with a guy 3 sheets to the wind and storms off, furious she’s going to miss her new gig because the guy who accosted her in the street turned out to not be on the up and up.
A week later is enough time for Lucky to bankroll a new wardrobe, a room at the inn, and a new audition at the Silver Sandal. Penny’s refusal to forgive Lucky for blowing their first chance at stardom results in Lucky picketing outside her door.
When that doesn’t work to turn her favor, he decides to serenade her with the most famous song of this movie, “The Way You Look Tonight”. I have heard Frank’s showy, bouncy version of this song about a million times, but I do enjoy Fred’s version as it sounds more tender and sincere.
This is enough to make Penny swoon, and they head to The Silver Sandal together. Lucky discovers that the band leader, Ricky, is not only handsome, but has proposed to Penny several times. Lucky has the nerve to act jealous even though, if you remember, he’s already engaged to Margaret back home. Ricardo also views Lucky as a threat and refuses to play a song for Penny and Lucky’s audition so they cannot dance together. Lucky decides to use his gambling super powers to win the band’s contract from a club owner and force Ricky’s orchestra to play. Penny is somehow charmed by this because his gambling addiction has now directly benefitted her.
They ace the audition and Penny and Lucky book the gig. Lucky negotiates down the terms of his payment so he doesn’t make over $25k and have to return to his hometown to purchase/marry his fiancé. Conversely, he is trying his best not to be left alone with Penny as he’s now fallen in love with her. Penny, unfortunately, feels the same way about him, and decides to make a bunch of unreciprocated moves that just give her blue balls. When Lucky finally decides that cheating on his fiancé sounds like a good idea, Pop intervenes and tells Penny that Lucky’s engaged and she rightfully turns cold toward him. This only lasts about 3 minutes, and soon she’s making awkward advances before making out with him in their dressing room.
Right as my exasperation in this back and forth romance hit its peak, Fred distracted me by walking over to his dressing table and smearing black paint on his face. Oh. Oh no.
Oh nooooooooooo. I thought after The Jazz Singer I was in the clear for shit like this on the list, but nope, turns out one of the most famous dancers in the world decided that blackface was a great idea.
This is um… This is straight up offensive. No amount of shuffling around is going to make me defend a number that starts with comparing the skin color of black people to the bottom of shoes. I found a great article by Katrina Richardson that elaborates why this number, even in 1936, was in very, very poor taste.
Bill “Bojangles” Robinson is the man Fred is “paying tribute to” in this number. My grandmother loved Shirley Temple and bought me The Little Colonel when I was a kid, which I watched once and unceremoniously stored in our VHS cabinet because I had no interest in a precocious seven-year-old that pretends not to know how to read, or a movie about The South TM. But I remember this scene because I was simultaneously fascinated by his dancing and afraid he was going to fall down the stairs. Honestly, spending several hours on youtube watching Mr. Robinson dance was the only redeeming part of being forced to watch Swing Time.
Anyway… Directly after the number, Lucky gambles away the orchestra because Pop revealed that Lucky cheated it off of the club owner the first time. Immediately after that, Margret and Penny finally meet each other, and Penny is so devastated that Lucky is still going to marry her that she runs off and accepts Ricky’s latest proposal. Lucky is similarly disappointed they’re heading in different directions and tells Penny that he’s going to punish himself for marrying someone he doesn’t love by never dancing again.
Fred and Ginger’s dance numbers always tell a story, and this movie features several perfect examples of how their movements illustrate their current feelings toward each other. In the beginning, they start their journey by taking a few steps together, and we similarly revel in the joy on Penny’s face realizing Lucky can meet her move for move. When they are auditioning for the club, they come out confident and fierce, knocking everyone’s socks off because they realize how special their relationship is and want to flaunt it in front of everyone (especially Ricky). In “Never Gonna Dance”, their steps are nostalgic, echoing the previous numbers before, and eventually send them in two separate directions and up two separate staircases. They’re reunited quickly and furiously at the top, giving into their passion for one another. But by the end of this number, Penny is sprinting away from Lucky, as its the only way they can part. It’s so beautiful it makes me forgive the plot I had to trudge through to get here. Also, Astaire insisted on over 40 takes of this number and Ginger’s feet were bleeding through her shoes by the end of it, which only highlights Fred’s perfectionism and Ginger’s perseverance.
Alas, Lucky and Penny didn’t need to break up in the first place, because Margret has decided to break off their engagement because she wants to marry someone else. Lucky then decides to tell Margret that he’s in love with Penny, and she starts laughing because it’s all very funny and conveniently timed. Lucky rushes over to break up Penny and Ricky’s wedding and Lucky and Penny live happily ever after even though she doesn’t like that he gambles and he seems incapable of not doing so. The end.
Swing Time is a whole lot of fluff and no substance, which is completely fine, it just annoys me when the plot hinges on a series of secrets or misunderstandings. The director of this movie, George Stevens, had filmed several movies with Fred and Ginger, together and separately, until he enlisted in the US Army during World War II in order to document it. He was present during D-Day, and also filmed the conditions of the concentration camps. The footage he captured was used as evidence during the Nuremberg Trials. Needless to say, this guy saw some shit, and it changed the kind of content he produced afterward.
In the 1970s, he was head of the jury at the Berlin International Film Festival, which issued no awards because the jury eventually resigned. A film about the Incident on Hill 192, o.k., was cut-off mid-screening and removed from the festival because a majority of the jury believed “All film festivals should contribute to better understanding between nations”. Stevens himself called the movie “anti-American”, and was the driving force behind its disqualification. The jury actually had no right to turn the film off, or question its qualification in the first place, which caused several directors of competing films to withdraw their movies from the competition in protest. Many looked upon the film’s exclusion as censorship, and called for a dissolution of the entire institution of Berlinale. This didn’t happen - they restructured and have been conducting the event ever since. Although a few years ago they did have to rename one of their awards when it was revealed its namesake Alfred Bauer’s involvement in creating Nazi propaganda “was more significant than had previously been known”… Yikes.
But I found it both curious and unsurprising that Stevens had such a visceral reaction to o.k., as United States patriotism was the key motivating factor during the second world war. The sacrifices made by the soldiers and their families was under the premise it was for The Greater Good. The heroes in the US of A would be getting revenge on those no-good Fascists and Imperialists because here in America, we believe in Freedom TM.
Not to suggest the US shouldn’t have been involved in the war, but our own (sometimes racist) propaganda shaped the views of the entire generation. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that a lot of WW2 veterans struggled with those who protested the war in Vietnam, and had a hard time beings faced with the fact that United States soldiers could become power-hungry monsters that commit atrocious war crimes.
But I majorly digress… Swing Time is, conversely to the previous diatribe, Pre-WW2 glamourous escapism, where the worst a woman could encounter was a philandering gambler who didn’t cuff his pants.
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Welcome to Fred and Ginger week, where we dive into two of their most beloved movies, Top Hat and Swing Time. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers made 10 movies together, setting the standard for dynamic dancing pairs.
They were thrown together in Flying Down to Rio, which was a fine arrangement for Astaire for one film. He had previously been part of a double act with his older sister, and when she married and retired from the industry, he was hesitant to be paired up again. After the success of Rio, however, little could be done to deny Fred and Ginger’s on-screen chemistry.
Katharine Hepburn summed it up perfectly when she said, “He gives her class and she gives him sex appeal.” Fred was dynamic and charismatic, and I’m sure it was easy for him to act as though he was enamored with Ginger. Ginger made it look like it was the most fun in the world dancing with Fred, and every time they performed together, it was pure fantasy and Hollywood glamour.
Top Hat is yet another Irving Berlin lead musical, except instead of focusing on holidays it’s about a girl who is trying everything within her power to not get involved with someone else’s open marriage.
Jerry, played by Freddie himself, is a successful dancer that is actively being recruited by his friend Horace to star in his upcoming stage show. Jerry seems generally intrigued by the plan, until he starts to realize his friend Horace has some unignorable personality quirks. First he’s inserted into the middle of a tiff between Horace and his valet Bates over their differing opinion on tie styles. Next, he’s told that Horace’s wife, Madge, is interested in hooking Jerry up with her painfully single friend Dale. In fact, after the show opening, the plan is for the two of them to travel to Italy and rendezvous with Madge and meet this attractive young lady. Jerry is wholly uninterested in the prospect of snagging a permanent dame as living unencumbered has so far suited him just fine. Even though it’s the middle of the night, he demonstrates to Horace how truly footloose and fancy free he really is.
This number is so flippin’ glorious - Fred’s enthusiasm is infectious and hilarious.
Jerry changes his tune really quickly when the attractive young woman directly below Horace’s hotel room storms upstairs to let him know she’s not super pleased he’s literally tap dancing on her ceiling while she’s trying to sleep. Fred lays down the moves, but she’s tired and cranky and easily rebuffs his advances before heading back downstairs. In an attempt to get on her good side, he plays the sandman and soft shoe ASMRs them both to sleep.
The next few days Jerry fills his crush’s room with flowers and charges it to his benefactor, Horace. We learn that this young woman is Dale, Madge’s friend she’s trying to set Jerry up with, but neither Jerry or Dale realize this. Unfortunately, Dale is already kept woman. Mr. Beddini, a fashion designer, has been paying for her room and board in exchange for her “modelling some clothes” for him. Oblivious to this, Jerry escalates the situation when he stalks Dale to the park. Somehow Dale finds this both annoying and charming, because it’s Fred Astaire and he can woo any woman by crooning an Irving Berlin tune. The have a little tête-à-tête in the rain, and Dale falls for this man hard.
This is so much fun I can’t handle ittttttt.
After returning from her play date, Dale is confronted by Mr. Beddini, as he’s upset she no longer wants to travel to Italy to be set up with some rando. Mr. Beddini was relying on the trip to Italy for Dale to “show off his new clothes”, and is immediately jealous that Dale would rather spend time in New York with her new friend Jerry. Madge informs Dale that her husband Horace would be looking her up regardless if Dale decides to join them or not, and that Mr. Beddini could accompany her to Italy if that helps change her mind about the trip.
Through a series of misunderstandings communicated by the hotel desk clerk, Dale comes to believe that Jerry is her friend Madge’s husband Horace. She confronts Jerry by slapping the shit out of him, offended she ever batted her thin-eyebrowed eyes at his dumb face. To Mr. Beddini’s relief, Dale decides to travel to Italy in an effort to purge Jerry from her brain, and presumably conceal the fact her friend’s “husband” was hitting on her.
Surprisingly, the hotel decides to investigate “the slapping incident”, and when they approach Horace, who Dale thinks was hitting on her, he decides not to rat out Jerry because he doesn’t want to jeopardize the stage show he’s invested a lot of money in. He instead throws his valet Bates under the bus and tells the staff Bates was the one who was slapped by Dale. After the staff leave, Horace asks Bates to trail Dale to make sure she’s not trying to take advantage of Jerry for his wealth or connections, and the two of them decide not to travel to Italy.
During the opening night of the show, Jerry and Horace discover that Dale is the woman Madge was intending to introduce to Jerry. Jerry also changes his mind about the Italy trip and pressures Horace to charter a plane so he can intercept Dale. After Jerry murders his fellow backup dancers, the entire cast heads to the best Italy the “It’s A Small World” construction crew could erect on a sound stage.
Honestly, this plot gets unbelievably complicated and convoluted, as this mistaken identity bit gets dragged out for like another 20 minutes. Dale keeps trying to tell Madge her husband is a weirdo, and Madge continually blows her off. When Madge finally gets Dale and Jerry to eat dinner with her, Dale is further put-off by the fact her friend keeps insinuating she should sleep with who Dale thinks is Madge’s husband. But try as hard as Dale may, she finds Jerry/Horace harder to resist the more they dance together.
Fun fact: This is the dress that Fred Astaire was making fun of in Easter Parade because it shed like nobody’s business and was a pain in the ass to dance with. Ginger fought Fred and the studio to wear this gorgeous gown, and she won in the end, but not without earning the nickname “Feathers”.
While dancing with her friend’s husband is acceptable, Dale is immediately furious when Jerry/”Horace” proposes to her. In order to remove herself from this weird fucking dynamic between her friend and her “husband”, she decides to accept Mr. Beddini’s impromptu marriage proposal and they immediately get hitched. When Madge is informed of this, she immediately blames her husband Horace for Dale’s poor life decision because it was him that was skeezing her out. Finally, in the last 20 minutes of the movie, the group realizes that Dale thinks Jerry is Horace, and Jerry runs to correct this assumption and rescue her from the Bridal Suite. He tap dances his way back into her life, and a slow speed chase ensues when the two of them flee in a gondola. Dale and Jerry get away thanks to Horace’s valet Bates’ intervention, as he’s been tasked with following Dale and is fully apprised of the situation. While the rest of the party is dead in the water, Jerry and Dale sing, dance and be merry.
Jerry and Dale decide to marry each other, but they need to get Dale divorced from Mr. Beddini first. Turns out, the person who posed as a priest was MVP of this story, Bates, so the marriage was never legal. Dale and Jerry immediately tie the knot and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.
The acting in this movie is great, and several of the line deliveries from the supporting cast had me on the floor. The music is catchy and memorable, and the dance numbers, of course, are out of this world. If the plot wasn’t so fucking tedious, Top Hat would have been one of my favorites.
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Back in 2020, I was attempting to review the movies on the Rotten Tomatoes list by the order that they appeared (separate from the muppet side-project, cause that needed to be dealt with all at once). It was because of this one, #85, that I gave up on that notion entirely because I could not find this movie anywhere. The Wayward Cloud wasn’t offered on any streaming sites unedited, I couldn’t pay to rent it, and I couldn’t buy it anywhere because the DVD was region locked. Even attempts and um… *acquiring* it online were futile because they did not contain English subtitles. Every time I would schedule out what movies I wanted to work on next, this was a uncompleted black spot in a sea of easily attainable media… that is until a few days ago when I found it on internet archive for free, god bless.
This is not the most bizarre musical movie I’ve ever watched (it’s pretty tame compared to Dancer in the Dark and The Lure), and to Oklahoma!’s credit, not the only one about pornography. It is unique in the fact that I’m pretty sure it’s the only one with a 10-minute real-time rape scene. I’m incredibly fascinated how this very quiet movie that features a lot of softcore porn shares a spot on the same list as 8 muppet-based movies, is all I’m saying.
The Wayward Cloud focuses on two protagonists, Hsiao-Kang and Shiang-chyi, who live in separate apartments of a shared building. In the opening scene, an unknown actress dressed as a nurse is being force-fed watermelon before getting railed by Hsiao-Kang on top of it. We discover, because of a legendary drought, that watermelons are cheaper than buying bottled water, so people are encouraged to eat or drink the fruit to hydrate themselves. The symbolism of the watermelon is pretty overt, as a television news program states that gifting this big red fruit means you’re wildly in love. Shiang-chyi is scarfing watermelon down in her living room alone, while Hsiao-Kang is literally fingering one on top of a moaning lady. We discover that Hsiao-Kang works as an actor in seemingly very low-budget porn films, so his passion is only faked for the benefit of the camera. He reveals how lonely he is with his situation through a lamenting love song.
Shiang-chyi discovers Hsiao-Kang asleep on a swing in the park, and after stealing his drinkable water she decides to wait for him to wake up so she can ask him if he’s still selling watches for money. Afterward, he assists her in removing a key of hers that has been stuck in the asphalt outside of their building, and once freed, the pavement gives way to a spring of water, representing the desire that has now been released. Her internal monologue reacts in a completely normal way, by interpreting this act of kindness as a declaration of love.
The musical numbers are a dramatic contrast to the rest of the movie, as they are colorful and surreal. The juxtaposition between the lived reality of the characters and their energetic inner monologue is really vast and jarring.
I’m not quite sure why this statue of Chiang Kai-shek gets all Shiang-chyi’s love and affection, unless it’s ironically, or to symbolize her giving everything to a man who’s literally giving nothing in return. Taiwan has been gradually moving the several statues they’ve erected of Chiang to a specific memorial garden in Cihu as their attitude toward the exiled military leader has changed. This one at the National Palace Museum has migrated locations since this movie came out, living in a much less conspicuous place outside of a different building.
When Hsiao-Kang goes back to Shiang-chyi’s apartment, he attempts to open a locked suitcase of hers while she gives him insane amounts of watermelon juice he ultimately pours out the window when her back is turned. They make a meal together, and we discover she is very bad at cooking, setting the greasy noodles on fire and attempting to douse it with water. The hot veggies they place on the noodles make them move in a very unsettling way.
I’m genuinely curious if they started a fire on purpose, because it sounds as if the director writes a very loose screenplay and a lot of shit is improvised.
When the two part he doesn’t kiss her or anything. In fact, he manually presses her elevator button to send her on her way. Then she gets to lay in bed and listen to him have sex with someone else from the apartment upstairs. Honestly, I don’t know how more clear this guy could be that he’s not interested in her.
It’s impressive how absolutely unsexy they make the softcore porn look in this movie. It’s mechanical and awkward. The director himself describes sex as difficult and “rarely joyful”, which, I feel, says a lot about him and less about society in general. He believes filming sex this way exposes it for what it really is as opposed to how Hollywood makes it seem.
Because the pacing of this movie is so slow (this is on purpose, put a pin in it), here’s a rapid fire interactions list to keep this moving:
The end of this movie is… something else. I was pretty much just letting this film happen to me up until this point. Like sure, it’s slow and a little strange, but whatever, it’s got to be someone’s jam. But then… but then.
Shiang-chyi finds one of the porn actresses passed out in the elevator, and instead of calling for help she drags her into her apartment. While this poor woman is laying passed out on the floor, Shiang-chyi starts eating watermelon while slowly realizing that one of the videos she rented features this mystery woman and Hsiao-Kang. Shiang-chyi finds one of Hsiao-Kang’s co-workers, and they drag the actress up to his flat and try to rouse her. When that fails, the men take her clothes off and position her on the bed to film a movie anyway.
The climax of this film is the rape scene, where Shiang-chyi watches Hsiao-Kang film a video with his unconscious co-star, seemingly bearing his baggage to Shiang-chyi. This is perhaps a way for him to explain why he’s been so distant, or to reveal a part of his life he hasn’t overtly told her about. Shiang-chyi assists with the movie, moaning loudly to help Hsiao-Kang get off, and he rewards her by abruptly grabbing her face and making her swallow his cum, as if to say, here, now you can have all of me. Literally. She cries out of relief I’m assuming, and it’s awkward as fuck to watch. It’s also framed like we should be celebrating that these two have finally discovered and accepted each other, because the credits come in with a happy song, which I guess could be read as ironic? Maybe this whole thing is intended to be horrifying and not merely uncomfortable, but Shiang-chyi’s active participation in the act makes me think that it’s not meant to be read that way. And if that’s the case, I’m left wondering why we had to witness a rape for their mutual understanding to happen. Did the director think this was rape?
I tried to search for the directors intention from this but all I could find were reviews of this movie that described how the last scene is meaningful and touching like a bunch of people didn’t just rape a girl on camera.
The important story here isn’t necessarily the romance whatever the hell is happening between the two main characters. The director of this movie Tsai Ming-liang, is one of the standout auteurs of “Slow Cinema”, so the point is more about the vibes than the plot. There are a lot of shots in this movie of characters unceremoniously eating watermelon, staring at the ceiling, looting through garbage, walking through hallways, and they’re all designed to convey how lonely these characters are. He absolutely succeeds at this, as the great majority of this film is well-framed wide shots of Shiang-chyi existing alone in the world, rarely encountering other humans, and having no friends to speak of. Hsiao-Kang seems to want to be left alone, but is constantly pursued by this woman, and by nature of his job, begrudgingly performs sexual acts on camera. Tsai Ming-liang’s movies focus on this dichotomy between wanting to find someone to relate to while being comfortable being alone. The two protagonists are filmed with a wall dividing them in several scenes as if they want to connect, but are incapable of doing so.
Watermelons represent the passion one feels, and Shiang-chyi is constantly sloppily eating it, forcing its juice upon Hsiao-Kang who doesn’t want it, making out with the rind and pretending to give birth to it in an hallway. When she discovers the porn actress passed out in the elevator, when retrieving water from the fridge, a watermelon rolls out and cracks on the tiled floor, forcing her to eat it when she drags the woman inside her apartment. She gluttons herself in it, and only stops when she realizes that this actress has been fucking the man she’s been lusting after. Conversely, Hsiao-Kang only partakes in the watermelon in his or Shiang-chyi’s fantasies, as he must feel as if his current lifestyle prevents him from acting on any genuine feelings. It isn’t until the last scene that he is open to having a real human connection with someone. Y'know, directly after raping his costar for money.
But in being alone, it seems like both the protagonists completely disregard the wellbeing of those around them, since their singularly focused on themselves. Shiang-chyi hordes an insane amount of drinkable water to the point where she cannot store anything in her refrigerator and is forced to bathe with toilet water in her bathroom because her tub is filled with bottles. In a decidedly unchill move, Hsiao-Kang decides to bathe in the building’s water tower since his body is covered in watermelon juice and the taps are turned off, contaminating a considerably valuable and finite resource for his own personal comfort. I can only assume their treatment of the porn actress is only further evidence of their disconnect to humanity in general.
I’m not necessarily sure if we’re supposed to root for these two crazy kids to figure this shit out, because ultimately I left this movie feeling bewildered and slightly angry. I’m not writing off all slow cinema, but I’m not sure I’m interested in watching any more Tsai Min-liang films lest I’m confronted with another 3 minute shot of a woman crying with some dude’s cock in her mouth.
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Only a good woman can save a man from the dangers of gambling, or Peaky Blinders: The Musical.
Gonna to be honest, for as iconic as Guys and Dolls is, my only exposure to it up until now was Frank Sinatra’s buttery voice belting out “Luck Be a Lady”, and Robert’s desire to play Sky Masterson on Grace and Frankie. When my friend Claire and I took a road trip this past October, we spent 9 hours in the car listening to showtunes like two totally normal people with great tastes in music. That was the first time I had actually listened to this show and sonically fell in love with Adelaide. Much like Leslie Ann Warren in Victor/Victoria and Ellen Greene in Little Shop of Horrors, if a blonde does a baby voice it’s absolutely over for me.
Seriously, stick a fork in me, I’m done.
Nathan Detroit (Frank Sinatra), New York City’s most infamous bookkeeper, is trying to arrange a saucy getaway with him and 20-30 of his greatest pals so they trade funds in a fun way. Because some mouthy brunette has been carting a marching band all over town singing “gambling is evil”, the police have picked up their pursuit of any illegal gambling practices, putting Nathan’s operation further underground. The one place that will even consider housing Mr. Detroit’s shenanigans is asking for $1k up front to mitigate the risk of being caught, which of course Nathan doesn’t have. Thankfully for him, notorious gambler Sky Masterson (Marlon Brando) is in town, and Nathan gets the bright idea to make Sky take a bet he can’t possibly win to earn the start-up cash.
When Nathan’s initial attempt to turn donuts into dollars fails (in the most literal sense), Mr. Detroit suddenly gets the same idea Paul Walker did in She’s All That - Make a bet that Sky can’t convince the ugly girl who hates everything go to a trip to Havana with him. In 24 hours. Dick-swinging Sky can’t back down from the ultimate test of his romantic prowess and takes the bet. Nathan starts congratulating himself prematurely because the woman he’s chosen as a victim to this particular scheme is Howl’s own Grandma Sophie Sarah Brown (Jean Simmons), the uptight broad whose puritan values has been sticking a wrench in his well-oiled money making machine. Two birds, one stone.
Mr. Masterson is off to the races, immediately introducing his smarmy attractive face to Miss Brown at her place of employment. Brother Sky says he wants Sarah to reform him, and she’s smart enough to know that he’s fucking with her. Her colleagues are not as hip to his scheme, however, and go out of their way to try and snag a date for their sex-deprived leader. His proposal to eat dinner with him in Cuba immediately rings sex trafficking bells all down the street, and she rebuffs his advances by slapping him one good.
High off his apparent genius, Nathan rides his good feelings to visit his perpetual fiancé Adelaide (Vivian Blaine) at her place of employment, the Hot Box. Adelaide is as keen on Nathan’s gambling as Sarah Brown is, which causes Nathan to hide his extracurricular activities from her since since he’s seriously gun-shy about marrying her, stringing her along the last 14 fucking years. Adelaide copes with this in a totally normal way, by sneezing incessantly and inventing an entirely different life with 5 children, writing fanfiction to send to her mother every few months about her and Nathan’s happy marriage. When she finds out from her co-worker that Nathan’s crap game is still happening that weekend, she kicks that deadbeat out and reevaluates wasting all her time on a dude who’s constantly back on his bullshit.
Seriously, how do you betray a woman in cat ears that asks you to pet her poppa, pet her good? Nathan, you’re a moron.
Nathan tries to justify his heartbreak to his fellas by stating the entire world is pussy-whipped, and Sky does his best to disprove this theory by blackmailing Sarah Brown into going to dinner with him for Nathan’s money. Once Sky discovers the mission will close without some gen-u-wine sinners at the next midnight meeting, he reiterates his offer to trade dinner in exchange for delivering a roomful of repentant men Sarah can save for Jesus. With her feet against the fire, she reluctantly agrees to his terms. Nathan is sickened to hear his plan for quick cash is foiled because he just agreed to marry Adelaide in front of a cop in order to cover up the reason all his “best buddies” were loitering in a diner waiting to hear the location for his crap game.
Sky takes Sarah to Cuba and gets her drunk on milkshakes, which sounds TERRIBLE to someone whose drink of choice used to be white russians and has since learned to treat their stomach better. After they get into a bar fight cause Sky can’t keep his hands to himself, Sarah comes on strong to him, and instead of fucking the shit out of her, Sky admits the reason he dragged her there. Sarah is completely unfazed by this, probably because she has enough rum in her system to kill a race horse, and they fly back to New York where they confess their insta-love to each other.
While Sky and Sarah are riding high off of dairy farts, Nathan gets the bright idea to um… repurpose the mission to host his gambling weekend/bachelor party. This goes swimmingly until Sarah, Sky and the police find them, and they’re forced literally underground to continue their illegal activities. After breaking the news to Adelaide that Nathan isn’t going to marry her, again, Sky hunts down the scumbags to make good on his marker to Sarah. Two days on a gambling bender and these men are crawling in literal sewage to toss a few dollars on a dice game.
Sky makes the bet of a lifetime, 1k for each soul he needs to save repenting at the midnight meeting, on the outcome of one roll of the dice. We are then treated to Marlon Brando singing “Luck Be a Lady” and I feel cheated.
It’s not that I don’t like Marlon Brando - This movie was actually the first time I really experienced what I can assume is his charm. The only exposure I had to him before this was Don Juan DeMarco and Apocolypse Now, which I hate on principal because I was forced to read Heart of Darkness in high school. Sky Masterson is a real slimeball, but Marlon Brando’s expressive eyes make you forgive a laundry list of sins. But Marlon does the same shit that Rex Harrison does where he’s basically monologuing to a tune. And, y'know, Frank Sinatra is right there watching this whole thing go down.
I’m not saying Frank Sinatra should have been Sky Masterson, as I think his casting as Nathan Detroit was pretty spot-on. And without Marlon’s performance in Guys and Dolls Barbra Streisand might have never overcome her stage fright, so at least we got that out of whatever this is. On the other hand, it also sounds like he jerked Rita Moreno around for 8 years, so I’m not going to defend Marlon too much.
Sky ultimately is true to his word, funneling the entire sewer’s worth of rats into Sarah Brown’s School for Wayward Gamblers.
Y'all know how much I love Frankie, but Stubby Kaye delivers my favorite performance in the entire film with “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat”. It comes out of nowhere and it’s executed perfectly - his voice is gorgeous and his facial expressions are so earnest they garner full belly laughs out of me. The way he picks up his hat so sheepishly and sits back down at the end of the song knocks me out every time.
Sarah is so turned on by Sky’s gesture she decides to marry him, and he presumably drags Nathan to the altar for Adelaide’s sake to make it a double wedding. While this is supposed to be read as redemption, I’m pretty sure Adelaide and Sarah are going to be in a world of hurt being chained to a couple of no-good gangsters for the rest of their lives. Adelaide, you deserved better.
Overall, I think Guys and Dolls is pretty entertaining and has some stellar performances from its featured cast. Vivian Blaine immediately grabbed my heart and I couldn’t help but feel for her every time Frank Sinatra let her down. But like, honestly, Sinatra plays embarrassment and guilt pretty well, and I hated myself every time I wanted her to forgive him.
Jean Simmons similarly does a great job at portraying Sarah, as she excellently tows the line between an ambitious religious zealot and a woman who wants to break free of the expectations placed on her and have a good time. While I didn’t exactly enjoy watching her profess her love to Marlon Brando, her performance of “If I Were a Bell” is the kind of infectious joy that gets stuck in your head.
And of course Stubby as Nicely-Nicely Johnson - GUYS SIT DOWN YOU’RE ROCKIN’ THE BOAT IS SO GOOD DON’T SKIP WATCHING IT.
Oh, and Marlon was fine, I guess, but I’m not super upset he didn’t pursue other musicals after this.
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I was asked to provide TV/movie recommendations from 2022, and honestly, I don’t have a whole lot to say on traditional media this year. Instead, let’s dive into something I’m trying to cut back on in 2023 - my YouTube obsession.
I am subscribed to over 500 creators, and I used to try to keep up with all of them. In the past few years I’ve realized that was a losing battle, especially with the gradual transition from short-form skit content to hour and a half long think pieces. Doesn’t prevent me from trying, however, which has been to the detriment of my sanity and my sleep schedule. But now my debilitating addiction can benefit you! Here’s a list of the top 10 videos that were released this year.
Starting off easy, here’s Seth Everman playing drums to “Mamma Mia”. I’ve listened to this dozens of times, it hits so hard.
Scene Queen is the perfect intersection of my musical tastes, blending pop and metal while embodying the antithesis of every pick-me girl. I wish she were around back when I was in college and that asshat Perez Hilton was drawing dicks on Lindsay Lohan’s face, then maybe I would have processed my internalized misogyny wayyyy earlier. Also she’s unapologetically gay as fuck, which we love to see.
I haven’t been subscribed to Ted long, but this was my gateway drug. This video is exactly as advertised, and it is a literal ride. As someone who didn’t go to a Rainforest Café until I was well into my teenage years, I don’t really have the nostalgia Ted clearly rode on for 10k miles in a Toyota Tacoma. But honestly, the Rainforest Cafes are the least interesting part of this masterpiece . Instead tune in for a tale of perseverance that tested a friendship to complete a truly innocuous quest.
Onma island is buried a treasure chest.
Orr focuses on how click bait-y spectacle charity videos have overrun the platform, and in the creator’s effort to keep high view retention, how they exploit the people they intend to help for internet clout. Its a subject I personally find fascinating as I struggle with consuming true crime content for the same reason - it’s hard to shine light on a corrupt organization or violent perpetrator without exploiting the victims in some way.
His follow-up video, The MrBeast-ification of Money, analyzes the influence of these videos on how people perceive wealth and how MrBeast-esque content affects how children consider the value of a dollar. Awesome duo, check out both to get the full picture of Jimmy’s influence.
Back in 2019 before The Rise of Skywalker killed all the goodwill Star Wars had earned in my mind, I stumbled upon this video on twitter and lost my shit. “I will use the force to heal my broken body” is my inner monologue every time I drink coffee. I immediately found them on YouTube and subscribed.
Worthikids is so unbelievably talented, not only animating in their own art style, but recreating the old school stop motion Rankin/Bass aesthetic. Bigtop Burger is an ongoing series about a clown-themed food truck beefing with a zombie themed food truck, featuring the vocal talents of some of my other favorite creators like Chris Fleming and ProZD. It’s completely chaotic and about the best thing I’ve ever seen. It was this video, however, that had me literally crying with laughter. I’m not going to spoil it because I want you to experience it fresh, but Chris’ unhinged voice paired with the elastic animation style just fucking kills me.
Todd in the Shadows is no stranger to top 10 lists - I look forward to his annual Top 10 Worst and Top 10 Best Songs of the Year videos. When I saw this video show up in my subscriptions feed, I, for sure, thought it was a troll. I should have known better. This is legitimately a top 10 list of '90s busses. The Spice World bus makes an appearance. It’s a gem.
Todd is one of my comfort youtubers. Sometimes when I’m working on stuff I’ll boot up a Trainwreckords, One Hit Wonderland, or Cinemadonna playlist and just let it ride. His disgruntled analysis, while sometimes I don’t always agree with cause musical tastes are unique and varied, is strangely soothing. It comes with side effects like knowing more about Cher and Gregg Allman than I ever wanted to know, like that they were married at all, but you take the good with the bad.
Drew Gooden is one of the members of the conglomerate of media commentary youtubers that I follow (there are so many, legitimately, I have a problem, so much content, make it stop, I’m sure I’m going to forget some, it’s inevitable, I watch too much YouTube, how do I get anything done?), but his analytical nature and sarcastic tone really resonates with me. I particularly enjoyed his retrospective on Lily Singh’s talk show that addressed the struggle YouTube creators face when adjusting themselves to fit within the confines of traditional media and expand their audience while trying to keeping their existing fan base. He also has a knack of finding the weirdest movies.
This is one in a series of videos where Drew reviews educational scams provided by content creators. He had previously covered the pains some creators face with maintaining their relatability, and offering online courses seem to be the natural progression of how to transition that online success into corporate dolla dolla billz. It’s depressingly hilarious how low-effort these endeavors are, which is only proven when Drew ultimately tries to follow Ninja’s expert advice to become a Twitch superstar.
As someone who spent like 450 hours streaming on Twitch this year, Drew’s attempt is a great encapsulation of how isolating that experience can be. If you are also a Twitch streamer, this is a must-watch.
I found münecat a few years ago through other anti-MLM creators because of her thorough coverage of the LuLaRoe shit show. Her videos have only gotten more detailed since then, culminating in this mammoth summary on Web3.0. I have stayed willfully ignorant of all things blockchain since I was forced to listen to some dude talk about mining bitcoin at a party back in like 2017. Münecat has done all the heavy lifting here to get me up to speed on cryptobros pyramid scheme of their very own. Plus, her work always comes with a bonus music video at the end. Score!
Also, because of this gem of a video on Russell Hartley, I now own a “Gaslight me daddy” t-shirt.
Jenny Nicholson has been one of my favorite creators on YouTube since I found a video of her roasting discount Halloween costumes. What her brand has evolved into is truly remarkable, providing commentary on books, movies, theme parks, fanfiction, and random finds like church Easter plays and whatever the fuck the Hallmark channel was doing on YouTube back in 2016. I now know more about The Vampire Diaries and Bronycon than any adult should. “My horny drawing of Twilight Sparkle is presented upon this long pillow with complete neutrality,” lives in my head rent-free. Any topic she covers, whether I have any familiarity with it or not, is well-researched and presented in such a captivating manner that it makes you forget how long you’ve been watching the video. This one is almost 4 hours long and I’ve watched it in its entirety more than once.
Evermore is a “theme park” located in Utah that has undergone several changes since its initial announcement back in 2014. This video, which has a longer runtime than The Irishman, goes into acute detail about the man who cooked up the concept, the development process, its lackluster implementation, and the park’s current operationally neutered state that leaves it with an extremely unstable future.
I don’t know if YouTube is Jenny’s main gig or not, but she should 100% be a script doctor or creative consultant. Her feedback is thoughtful and presented with purpose, not just for the sake of roasting (although she’s also great at that). I’d want her to be my editor if my writing wasn’t garbage lmao.
If you’re looking for exceptional quality YouTube content, look no farther than Defunctland. Starting out with videos focused on deprecated theme park rides, over the years they’ve expanded their repertoire to cover retro television shows, fast-food restaurants, and theme park management. Their series about Jim Henson is legitimately one of my favorite deep-dives on a creative. This documentary, however, may be their best work.
Defunctland has always done a phenomenal job balancing humor, history, and sentimentality in their videos. “Disney Channel’s Theme: A History Mystery” is no exception, functioning as a love letter to unsung creatives whose impact is immense, but their identity hidden. By the end of this masterpiece I was crying for the legacy of a person I had no awareness of an hour and a half before. Kevin should be proud of his videos, because in the act of immortalizing the media and experiences that have influenced us the most, what truly stands out is their ability to tell the story in a way that is both effective and emotional.
Keep doing what you’re doing, Defunctland. You’re the best of the internet.
Also, for shits and giggles, my top-rated traditional media of 2022:
Disclaimer: I follow a lot of excellent creators that did not make this list. If I posted every single video I liked this year we’d be here forever. If you want specific recommendations for creators in certain spaces, like crafting, beauty, animation, examining religious fundamentalism, etc, go ahead and ask me. But I think this is more than enough content to entertain you for the foreseeable future :)
Surprise! I officially ran out of holiday-based movie musicals on the Rotten Tomatoes list, but I couldn’t leave you guys hanging without a Christmas post! So here’s something guaranteed to ruin the holiday spirit - Anna and the Apocalypse!
I will admit, this is not my first watch of this movie. My friend Mark recommended this to me several years ago and after viewing I thought, “Hm, that made me sad,” and buried my feelings down deep. Viewing it back in 2019 fresh off heartbreak tainted my opinion of it, and I didn’t want to touch it with a socially distanced 6-foot pole in the subsequent pandemic years. Dusting it off now and reassessing with a fresh set of eyes, I will confess this is a genre-bending masterpiece and y'all have to see it. In fact, you can watch it for free on Hoopla if your library participates!
Anna and her friends are seniors in high school and are making decisions on what they should do after they graduate. Anna’s aggressively platonic best friend John plans to go to art school, but Anna wants to take a gap year and travel to Australia to the absolute horror of her father. Her dad tells Anna what a disappointment she would be to her dead mom, and then Anna gets to sit with that information all day at school - what a treat!
Steph, one of Anna and John’s friends, is similarly having a tough time because her parents decided to ship off to Mexico for the holidays, leaving her alone with her girlfriend who also doesn’t want to spend time with her on Christmas. Ouch. She decides to hyper-focus on the city’s homelessness problem to distract herself, and the future headmaster Arthur is like, “Why you gotta be a debbie downer all the time?” and steals Steph’s car keys in retaliation for suggesting they publish something in the school newspaper about it.
Teenage angst is running high in Little Haven, and the only way our protagonists can process their feelings of stagnation is through song!
Lisa, on the other hand, is over-the-moon excited for the Christmas concert as she has a special number planned for her boyfriend Chris. Anna does not have the same luck when it comes to relationships and instead gets propositioned in the hallway by her gorgeous but absolutely daft ex-boyfriend Nick, further cementing her decision to go over 9000 miles away to a completely different continent to get away from him.
“Wait… no.”
John is secretly heartbroken by Anna’s choice to flee as he silently has a big ‘ol crush on her, which makes lunch awkward when Chris and Lisa furiously make out in front of him and Anna at every opportunity. Chris comes up for air long enough for Steph to ask for his help on her homelessness story - if the future headmaster forbids her from posting it on the school blog, she’d make a movie about it instead to circumvent his authority. This logically makes no sense but don’t worry about it, it won’t matter at all in about 10 minutes. Chris agrees since his film teacher has already chided him for producing horror shlock that has no substance.
Teenage angst is running high in Little Haven, and the only way our protagonists can process their feelings about their doomed romantic entanglements is through song!
You ever hear a song and know the reprise is going to destroy you later?
After a hard tonal pivot, we’re treated with this absolute fucking banger, seriously, oh my god, please watch this, it’s one of the most glorious things I’ve ever seen in my whole life.
This is immediately followed by a fairly hilarious “Santa Baby” homage where a bunch of shirtless men dance with candy canes on stage while Lisa asks Santa to come on over and unload his sack.
Chris, Steph and Anna don’t get to witness these truly epic performances because they’re all busy working. John continually wins me over by being the most stylish one of the bunch to talk about how Olive the other reindeer was a total dick.
God, I love this kid.
This film does a great job at balancing the serious and the hilarious without giving you too much emotional whiplash. Nothing shows this balance better than “Turning My Life Around”, which features some truly epic dancing and zombie deaths.
The culmination of this joyous declaration of independence is, of course, the realization we have no control over our lives and everything and everyone is totally fucked. That’s right, zombies have come to town.
There were plenty of clues up until this point hinting at the eventual zombie takeover with car radio news stories about the pandemic, kids coming down with the flu, the insistence everyone use hand sanitizer… basically a bunch of stuff we are all acutely familiar with. The characters in the movie handled it the same way all of us did, by ignoring it until it became a problem that shuffled up to our literal doorstep.
Anna and John take refuge in the bowling alley and run into Steph and Chris, who have been camping out there since the night before. While the cell towers are out, they still have internet access, and Steph floats the conspiracy theory that their current situation is the result of big pharma. If you’re immediately triggered by this sentiment, don’t worry, nothing will tin hat after this as it never comes up again. They spend the rest of the day waiting for the army to save them and theorizing which celebrities have already turned zombie. This seemingly low-key outing is interrupted when Steph has to kill the zombie cleaning lady with a toilet lid because she is an absolute savage.
There’s actually a good number of disgusting and amusing decapitations that had me cringing and laughing at the same time. The best of which are featured in a clear Shaun of the Dead homage cued to music and everything.
The next morning, after realizing the entirety of army has been turned, the foursome decide to head to the closest designated evacuation zone, their high school. Anna’s dad, Lisa and Chris’ grandmother Dot have been patiently waiting for help there. Dot has a bad heart, and when Lisa asks Arthur, the headmaster-in-charge, for medication, he basically says that it’s OK to sacrifice grandma in the name of capitalism.
God, I hate how accurate this movie ended up being.
While tiptoeing from the safe bowling alley through the unsafe streets, they run into everyone’s favorite piece of garbage, Nick, who has formed a gang of other assholes to loot stores and knock off zombies blocks. After criticizing John for being too beta, Nick asserts his alpha status in a song that definitely doesn’t resemble “Eye of the Tiger”.
Nick surfing on the cart filled with toilet paper is, again, too real.
Also, I giggled at this much longer than I should have.
Now escorted by their own personal security team, the kids continue their quest to reach the school. Anna is still convinced she will head to Australia after things are sorted, while John suggests that potentially, maybe, she stick around during the end of the world. Anna picks up that John is pining for her and assertively friendzones this poor kid during the apocalypse. John cannot catch a break, even with being the best dressed of the squad.
As the sun starts to set, the gang stumbles across a shortcut through a Christmas tree farm. Although it seems dangerous because of the lack of visibility, they decide to press on because they’re extremely stupid.
When I was a kid, my friend owned Titanic on VHS, and every once in a while she’d convince me to watch it with her. Because it was so fucking long it was split between two tapes, the first one mainly focusing on the love story between Jack and Rose and the second starting directly after the ship hits the iceberg. Most of the time we’d just watch the first tape and forgo the second one entirely so we could invent an ending where Jack and Rose made it to New York and lived the rest of their lives together.
I mention this because the rest of this movie is a bummer. If you’d like to imagine a world where Anna and everyone she cares about escape the city and live happily ever after, Merry Christmas! I’ll see you again in 2023!
Since 2008, I’ve worked with time clocks. You know, the antiquated hardware installed on the wall in your local grocery store or factory or fast food restaurant that employees punch in and out on so they get paid for the amount of hours they were there. I deal with the software installed on those things. Yes, it’s just as exciting as it sounds.
Back in 2016ish, our company acquired another company, and the new devs used HipChat as their messaging system. Because it wasn’t interfaced with the pile of other messaging systems we already used, I got to pick my own chat avatar, and since devs generally don’t give a shit about professionalism, I picked this guy:
Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared had been out for several years at that point, but in contrast of the 46M+ views it has today, it felt pretty niche internet at the time. I was pretty confident nobody I worked with directly would have any fucking clue what he was from, even if they happened to be based in the UK. I really wanted to lean into my “clock girl/queen” image by choosing an avatar that was the personification of rotting away in a job I didn’t like.
Even when we were forced to transfer to Slack back in like 2018, I kept him. He’s very jaunty.
Also, yes, I know how the nick names sound. I didn’t create or encourage them.
Seemingly unrelated, I’ve been on tumblr since 2012 but I haven’t been on tumblr in the same way people outside of this community assume a user of this hellscape would be because I was a millennial with a mortgage. Sure, I’ve seen the magical hat post, and I was aware of superwholock, but I learned about dashcon by watching retrospectives on YouTube. My tumblr experience was Mad Men gif sets, nail art, and Wil Wheaton posts until I peaced out from the navigation page entirely when it started promoting cute chibi drawings of the Columbine killers because - and I cannot stress this enough - fuck off with romanticizing that bullshit, jesus christ, get some help.
That said, when I come across the opportunity to learn about obscure tumblr artifacts like the Pandom, I dive in to absorb whatever the hell I missed. A bunch of teenagers swooning over an emo-looking Disneyland actor seemed pretty par for the course, until I was surprisingly shocked to my core when Ashley Norton casually mentioned Pan fell in the “tumblr sexyman” genre, and when citing examples of a tumblr sexyman, my main man clocky flashed across the screen.
Uh wut.
I quickly find out that the DHMIS clock’s name is Tony, although his full name is up for debate. His sexyman status is not a joke. He’s shipped with other characters from the show. This irritating clock that represents the existential crisis we experience when confronted with the unrelenting progress of time aging our decaying bodies is now a grumpy-but-lovable, well-dressed British man who cuddles with his boyfriend. And leaves hickies all over his body.
Look, I’m not here to kink shame. If you want to write Padlock fanfiction, more power to you. The world sucks, and as Tony very astutely points out, we’re all going to die one day. As long as it doesn’t hurt anybody, pursue whatever brings you joy.
I just want to remind you all that I’ve had Tony as my work avatar for like 7 years, and there is a possibility my colleagues may associate me with a fandom that sexualizes a wall clock by drawing pictures of him spooning with a coffin because they’re in a romantic relationship.
tyleroakley